to shanshu in d.c.

the show you miss will inevitably be the show that has a ghost

2007-03-29T12:24:00.000-07:00

Owen was having a show at the rock n roll hotel in DC the other week. I made the unfortunate decision of not going because of the ridiculous distance of the club to the metro. simple enough, no biggie.

DAMN wrong! THE rock n roll hotel is HAUNTED. The ONE time I say no to going to show and baM! the venue is haunted. just my kindof luck. "good music & creepy aparitions, all part of the rock n roll hotel experience"

lesson to be learnt: never not go to show... cause otherwise, the place will be haunted... that and bill cosby has made some terrible big screen decisions in his day.

stupid unhaunted 930 club and ramshead live....

conversations with blasphemers

2007-03-29T07:44:00.000-07:00

me: so good of you to join us today, i'm sure you're very-- i'm not gonna say busy-- but i'm sure directing movie can be quite time consuming.

michael bay: no problem, i always enjoy an opportunity to promote my films. maybe you've seen some of them - armageddon, badboys, badboys II: the bad boys are back in town.

me: yes, about that. transformers, your newest film...

bay: oh yeah, this was a real challenge for the studio. you probably didnt realize this, but we could afford to build ACTUAL transforming robots, so we had to put them in afterwards!

me: yes, thankyou. i am well aware that mechanical transforming robots do not really exist. but the look of the robots themselves, thats where i get a little bit confused... have u or any of your team ever SEEN the transformers cartoon?

bay: Someone made a cartoon based on our movie?? damn that was quick, and we havent received the royalty from that yet!

me: no no, the Transformers - it was a cartoon in the 1980's - a very popular cartoon.

bay: there were transforming robots fighting on earth in the 80's and no one TOLD US! and then they MADE a cartoon about it!!

me: ok, judging from your reaction, you dont know what the hell i'm talking about anymore...

bay (now on his phone) : james, you'll never believe this, but there actually ARE TRANSFORMERS -- apparently they can draw too cause they made their own cartoon in the 80's-- Hell ya we gotta find em and get em on the studio! --- I don't know, check Japan or something, see if downtown Tokyo has had any serious robot based damage...

me:ok, well seeing how this interview is decending into crap -- my last question:

who the hell do you think you are putting flames on optimus prime!?!

bay: well, optimus prime is cool and all. but... you know how everything looks cooler with flames... i figured, why not the two. optimus prime with flames on him! it actually came to me in a dream! pretty wild huh.

me: WERE you tripped out of your GORDE when you came up with this? did you think: how badly can I f* with childhood idols? oh, i know -- paint FLAMES on the f*er!

bay: listen, a lot of people have said that, but the polls show it: kids love stuff thats on fire. bot on and off the screen. its hollywood magic baby! just u wait. no one wants to see cars from the 80s running around on screen. its the hip hop generation! our other alternatives for optimus were to have him be J-Lo's dressing room trailor, a nissan skyline from the fast and the furious, or, my personal favorite, an Escalade driven by 50 Cent -- they would solve crimes together! like in a buddy film. Optimus would be all like: 'i think that idea is whack, 50'....

me: okay... i'm gonna say this the best way possible, knowing in full well it will lead to my incarceration but... [dramatic pause, light dims]

i'm going to find a large sack.
put u in said sack.
fill the sack with water.
place pirranas into said water & michael bay filled sack.
and once the pirranas have settled down, i will stab the said pirrana, water, and michael bay filled sack, several times.
and then said stabbed, pirrana, water and michael bay filled sack will be thrown into the bay. i know the irony is childish at best, but hey, this sack is gonna be a lot of work on its own.

bay: maybe you'll enjoy armageddon 2: return to space mountain, huh?

Great Walter Reeds Ghost!

2007-03-19T07:59:00.000-07:00

Alright, I'll be honest. Posts are few and far between. Why? Is it because my life is less comical than it used to be? [probably not] Is it because the little i know about politics isn't funny? [hardly]
COULD it be that i have stopped putting poptarts in the office toaster and thus igniting a localized fire which is only exacerbated by my futile attempt to reach into said blazing inferno of melting metal simply to savour the charred remains of my poptart breakfast??? [not so much, despite my best attempts]

turning to current events, today, or someday close to this one, marks the four anniversary of the war in Iraq, or as people more inteligent than I refer to it, the Four Year Clusterf*k of Mistakes and Generally screwy policy. Yup, just like the four years you spent in rehab just to find out you cant "take the weekends off," this ones got no end in sight. but hell, FREEDOM aint FREE, am i right guy?

The headlines at MSNBC asks the tough question, the hard hitting questions, the questions that have been asked REPEATEDLY over and over again to the point where it should be every americans duty to memorize the ingredients that go into the receipe for disaster:
1 part faulty inteligence+ teaspoon over-confidence+ and a hint of political circle-jerkn.

MSNBCs coverage includes a poll that says that less than 20% of Iraqis have confidence in Coalition forces. 20% of iraqis are also hooked on so much 3rd party prozac that they are confident that Coalition forces will not only succeed in stabilizing the area, but also defend the world of the monsters that live on the moon.

in times like this, there are plenty of ways to feel better about the war in iraq:
-Maybe Coalition forces are having fun over there
-Iraqi confidence poll numbers are still greater than Ishtars rating on rotten tomatos.
Personally, i think Ishtar is a friggin hilarious movie! I mean, you have Warren Beatty& Dustin Hoffman as lounge singers, who go over into Saudi Arabia or something, the cia and the kings men are after then for SOME reason. ITS GOLD! and that camel on the poster, he's blind - no joke either - blind!
- ok, maybe plenty isnt the right word. but seriously, if you havent already done so... check out ishtar on netflix or something... it will be enjoyable, trust me.

thats all,

the elixir of late nights and coffee dreams

2007-03-13T08:07:00.001-07:00

its alright
to fall asleep on the metro,
be slighty tired at work,
or call someone by the wrong name

its not alright
to be so fast asleep on the metro that you have a dream and twitch yourself awake, other passengers looking confused in ur direction.

its not alright
to be so tired at work that you use your monitor as a head rest, but the static of the screen makes your hair turn ridiculously don king-esque

its really not alright
to continually
and habitually,
constantly
and incessantly
call a friend by the wrong name, such that so much time passes, where the only option you are left with, is to simply avoid saying their name, at all costs.

the half-life for any relationship is 3.5 months

2007-02-07T06:05:00.000-08:00

here are some valentine's day gift that she'll just love. oh wait, scratch the word gifts and replace it with 'horrific ideas'. and replace love with 'hate you with a fiery passion'

- ipod mini - engraved with the saying "i hope this hot music can warm up your frigid heart"
- storm trooper outfit - because you think its kinky
- the first season of bosom buddies - because you mistook it for an erotic thriller
- can't go wrong with jewelry, right?
- maybe something simple, something with her name on it--- like a football! but, beware the consequences.
- but, if all else fails, you can resort to something classic, elegant, and has withstood the test of time.

goodluck on vday, you'll be needing it.

dark metaphors / bright manners

2006-08-09T06:55:00.000-07:00

the morning news is like gold- sweet, filtered for public-approval & sensational gold.

not to sound repetitive but... wtf is going on in texas! "Octopus unhurt" -THANK GOD! That octopus was one day from retirement. The penguins on the other.... two weeks left... they would have never made it.

the worst part of the story- NO F*n picture!! come'on- this image would be AWESOME!

Biased Journalism - I've Missed You

So onto the middle east, lets just see how each country is portraying the war between Israel & Lebanon. On the side of Lebanese, we have ISRAEL ON BABY-KILLING SPREE on the main page of the 'Kuwait Times'. Well done- not only are they killing babies-- ITS A SPREE. Like a shopping spree- except with more baby killings. WO00! Thats hard to beat in terms of Biased Journalism.

But lets see what the headlines are for Israel Today - Jerusalem police bar planned gay protest . Umm, what? This is the top of the page article on their website... did they forget what the hell is going on with all the rockets - and the guns - with the SHOOTINGS, GlaviN! Well, lets see - its gotta be big news right bc its at the top right.

Lets see- "The Jerusalem police banned a planned gay protest, which was to take place in Jerusalem on Thursday out of concern it could result in violent clashes." And u know how much those countries in the middle east HATE violent clashes- don't want em & don't need em....

I should leave the topic as it is, bc - like me with a nail gun on my robitussin trips- its dangerous.

thats all

conversations which institutions of higher learning

2006-08-08T12:06:00.000-07:00

me: thanks for meeting with me.

University of Maryland: um, i thought it best. you just kept calling.

me: why won't you return my phone calls!

UMD: listen, its over- you're done with me and i'm done with you.

me: how can you say that?! remember all the good times.. remember...the.. um.. the memories?!

UMD: Yeah, we had some good times, but I think its best that we both move on. we're no good for eachother.

me: Baby, is it me? I can change! I'll take you more seriously. We'll go out to the opera more. Just you and me, it'll be different!

UMD: look, its just too little too late. i'm sorry, i didn't want to have to tell you this, but i have a new incoming class of students...

me: YOU'RE sorry, YOU'RE SORRY!! what about me?! You know how much money I spent on YOU! That tuition hike you pulled, what the hell was that! and now I hear you're parading around with some one else!!

UMD: I never asked for any favors! And its not 'JUST' someone else, its approximately 6,000 incoming students.

me: B*tch, you took all my money! And don't think i'm giving back all your shirts- you hear me- they're mine now!

UMD: thats fine, I just want you to be happy.

[UMD slowly gets up & walks out the door]

me: oh baby, i didn't mean what I said! take me back please!!
.....
me: I WAS SEEING GEORGETOWN BEHIND YOUR BACK!!

(wonder years narrator): i don't know if it was the fact that she never looked back when she left the room, or that i thought she would at any moment that hurt more. it was one of those days that both UMD & I would always remember... we were no longer kids hanging over the beltway. i wonder if she will think of me when she gets ready for class, and doesn't smell my poptarts in the toaster or see my cup of tea sitting on her bedstand table.

The words are all there, unfortunately in wrong order

2006-08-03T10:51:00.000-07:00

oh, wait, this just in, the correct headline "Iraq president beat up by security"

damn, and just when you think things are getting better over there.

and also:

Which you should file under O. Isn't MSNBC partly run by Microsoft... aren't they supposed to... um.... not talk about the stupid stuff MS does...

and one last one:

and i respond: "isnt it about f*kn time?!!" although i am confused as to how they will go about this.

"alright red-man, here's ur continent back. we're going back to europe. sorry for the whole raping your women and killing you mercilessly back in the day. and also portraying your people as savages for the past decade... that one just got out of hand really fast."

don't blame the heat, blame the fact that you don't shut ur big yapper

2006-08-02T12:14:00.000-07:00

well, here's some more antics from the hill... bc I dont know, its funny cause this stuff is happening just down the street... Senators are 'mad as hell and their not gonna take it anymore' bc their private elevator is being used by non-senators-- so this is what the NEW YORK TIMES writes about once the senate takes it summer break or whatever they call it 'Recess.' I don't have much to say about the issue because of the jokes i would have made are in the article. Damn actual reporting using humor as a technical device.

I will say one thing-- all the pictures in the article have a whole bunch of people crowding into the 'senator's only' elevator-- ON THE SECOND FLOOR-- maybe those people who are too old too remember how to decent "these blocks of diminishing height called stairs" and incidently are the same people who are at one of the most integral positions of the government, maybe they SHOULD.... ummm... i forgot how i was going to phrase it-- But my point was gonna be that we need YOUNGER SENATORS!

You know why there are not many EX-SENATORs? Thats bc most of them just DIE either during or after... thats not a real fact, but please, feel free to purport it as such to your peers. and yes, I am hoping that purport means what i think it does.

AND now for the second time In Shanshu history, a segment called:

"Now Why Didnt I Think Of THat Heist First?!! F**K!!!"

you'll recall that last year's was the lego-bandit. But this year's candidate is....

Thin Mints thief? Girl Scout leader charged

or the another headline: Girl Scout leader caught with hand in cookie jar?

Now i didn't bother to really read the article, but all I saw was $5,000 somewhere in there. Hell, I drop 20 bucks to get 6 boxes of thin mints once every year. and then its like Brigadoom, my thin mint girls disappear for the next 12 months.

you know how many boxes you can buy with 5 grand!! damn. wish I had thought of that. well, i could always raid the girl scout's cookie stand next time I see them.

me: um, Hi there!
girl scout: hi mister! would u like to buy some cookies?
me: F*K yeah! how many thin mint boxes do you have?
girl scout: well, how many do you want?
me: listen.... i..i just wanna see how many thin mint boxes you have...
girl scout: uhh, I dont think we're allowed to do that.
me: alright kid, listen... I'm 22 years old, I want all your thin mints, and I'm gonna take all your thin mints! and if anybody asks, your just gonna say that you ate them! so just be cool!
girl scout: MOM!!
me: ah crap! ah crap! well played little one! waaa! (throws boxes into the air and runs off into the distance)

alright, kindof a weak post this time- but it takes a man to admit that, right? RIGHT?!

oh, and a quick message to the city of DC and surrounding areas: IF UR GONNA WARN THE PEOPLE ABOUT BROWN-OUTs because of the excessive heat, BE MAN ENOUGH TO CALL EM full on BLACK OUTS that WILL SCREW ur DAY over! Quit hinding before your aphorisms DC! be a man!!

thats all.

whatever i'm doing- i need to stop

2006-07-28T05:46:00.000-07:00

post-apocolypic view of the future or junk food enduced dream-- ten dollars for the man who chose the latter... but wait, don't close the window just yet, it ties into real life!

there are few places I could say I frequent, but one of those places is the bean hollow- the coffee shop in old ec. and thats where it starts. long story 'somewhat-less-long', there are ZOMBIES in EC! so now theres a hotel down the street where me and a plucky band of zombie-killing enthusiasts make our stand. we made a valiant stand against the undead, until they figured out how to open garage doors... and then we all got eaten. it was quite rough and for some reason really graphic! i gotta stop watching those movies...

but now for the REAL world application-- Zombies Charged with WMDs. "We have incontroveritible proof of these Zombies possessing WMDs"- President Bush. No, thats not a real quote, but here's what these undead enthusiasts did-- ZOMBIE dance party in the middle of the streets of Minneapolis. YES- least sexy type of dance party- but still HellaAwesome!

A couple of them had backpacks with wires sticking out of them, which made police nervous. but, maybe this is why i'm not a police officer-- why would you assume WMDs instead of just a plain ol bomb. OR has the definition of a weapon of mass destruction been drastically loosened to include STEREO equipment in backpacks- carried by ZOMBIES.

police #1: h-hey jim, whats that over there... it looks kindof like-

police #2: oh dear god steve, I told you we should be prepared for this, I f*n TOLD you!!

police #1: looks like... ZOMBIES!

police #2: OK, ok, I know what to do, lemme get my Zombie-Response Kit...

police #1: jesus Jim, I knew you had this fear, but a KIT?!

police #2: just be glad your sitting shotgun with me, kid! Lets roll.

police #1: oh wait! haha, its just a bunch of kids having a dance party! Hah!

police #2: but, b-but, I got out the Kit, THE KIT! aw man.

police #1: sorry Jim, maybe next time it'll be real.

police #2: screw that! look, those kids have WMDs, lets GET em.

police #1: ummm, no they don't....

police #2: do NOT make me use the Z.R.K. on you steve, so help me god, do NOT MAKE me USE IT!

police #1: ok, ok, yeah, WMDs- lots of em. lets book em. [sirens]

The Fuck Europe Tour 2k6.... part III

2006-07-27T06:33:00.000-07:00

--------Act VII- So this is Kabul------------
fk the west coast

this is the courtyard for our hostel

the barcelona underground < onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4218/1263/1600/P1001102.jpg">

so we took our own tour of the city, saw this building, maybe designed by pablo picaso- reminds me of some building in Myst.

one thing about being camera-man, u dont get to be in any of the cool pics.

walking through barcelona

rembrant was a goofy looking guy

nick looks like rembrant

ergo, nick is a goofy looking guy

we got cursed by a very sneaky ol gypsy woman-- but we did get jelato, so it all evens out.

and then we roamed the city.

and there was a museum up on a hill- and it was deceptively far away. so as we made our way towards it, we took a ridiculous number of pictures with it.

there was this little kid playing soccer with his dad- we wanted to kidnap him and put him on the brinsleys.

a particularly stoeic picture of myself on the outdoor escalator... unfortunately, the escalator ended right after we took this pic and I nearly killed myself.

its like a frigg'n optical allusion, you think your getting closer to it, but its still way the hell in the distance.

i don't know how many people are aware of this, but nick bought some interesting stuff in the futbol club barcelona store... [shudders]

i'll tell ya, at this point in the trip everyone was acting like bbff4ever

except for nick & abby....

finally we made it to the top, where the museum was. to get into the museum cost money, so we loitered outside until sunset.

at which point the vampires came out, so we had to leave... post haste

man we had a small room! tensions were tested, friendships were on the line... nick and imm fought...

but they made up in the end.

i thought i could beat abby in a game of 'kick abby off the bed'

which proved not so easy

i then i dont really remember what happened....

fine example of marketing or disasterous attempt to combat employee dissatisfacton

2006-07-25T11:19:00.000-07:00

this is the latest view of the discovery channel main offices.

i can just imagine a conversation that would occur once they decided upon the shark accoutrements to adorn the building if I worked there... I wonder if they made it a suprize to their employees until one day-- BAM-- shark head!

Boss: So, have you looked out your window yet???

Me: yeaaah... thats what I wanted to talk to you about....

Boss: Yeah, pretty friggin cool, huh! Its like the building IS a giant shark-- this is going to be great. I bet national geographic's building isnt as AWESOME as ours!

Me: umm, yeah, awesome. but its kindof blocking the windows of the entire department... do you really think thats fair?

Boss: Fair?! This is a fabulous opportunity. Sure, ur department won't see the sun for the next couple months while at work, but wait... I just thought of a proposition for you, just right now off the top of my head... and offer YOU CANT refuse!

I want you to work... INSIDE the SHARK HEAD!

Me: umm, whaat?

Boss: Think of it-- you'll be working FROM inside the SHARK HEAD! Its crazy, it boggles the MIND!

Me: I don't want to work in the shark head... i don't even think its meant to hold people safely.

Boss: Oh come'on, WHO doesn't want to work out of a shark head! You can tell your wife that your COMMUTTING into a shark's head-- she'll totally flip!!
You not working from the boring office, your working from the freakin Shark Head!!

Me: If you think its so nice, why don't u work out of the sharks head?

Boss: Oh, woah-- get a hold of your senses... my office is Not the one being blocked by the giant shark head. Now, get ur desk ready-- by mid afternoon I wanna see those project proposal post-marked from 'the shark's head'

Me: the sharks head has its own stationary?

Boss: No, but I kindof assumed you would... you know... act the part...

Me: What part?

Boss: The part of a man working from a sharks head! You know, change your email to something like 'asad@theSharkHead.com', that sorta thing.

Me: oh dear god, i'm leaving.

Boss: don't forget to change your business cards!!

2006-07-16T15:11:00.000-07:00

Camping 2k6

2006-07-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

this years etch was courtesy of dano.

"Its like a party in the woods"

it rained the first day in. so we escaped to the pavillion. poncho's were made. attempts were mocked.

cabin fever ensued. avi and john were climbing up the walls.

me and nick duelled

"great, john's drunk and in the rafters again..."

let me tell you about my friends... they made up a drinking game where you slap your neighbor as hard as you got slapped by the person next to you. either way, the game ends when everyone is made and has a headache.

addy pwned mg.

cut to the next day-- the rain stopped. woo!

good china has the need for guns!

thats john waving a 357 magnum at his face...

after a day at the falls, the general malase sets in. as you can tell, i didnt take the camera for the Swallow Falls trip, so no pics from that wackiness.

also, i think i missed a day of photos. but thats ok. thats the day we went to the lake with canoe's, people's boats got tipped, enemies were made... vengence was sworn (by dano, mainly)
also, we had a nice dinner at the hess cabin, followed up by a trip to the arcade/ mini golf. yes, this is how we camp.

by the 3rd night, fatigue was setting in hard, as EVERYBODY was falling asleep around the campfire before midnight.

thats my BDAY CAKE. my friends are pretty awes0me. and they know if i didnt get cake that night, i would torch tentropolis to a cinder. i ate about half that cake in one sitting. i have a problem....

let me tell you MORE about my friends.... they like to burn money.

burned those dollars good... idiots.

the last day... it rained a lot. ben and ashleigh ran away; ie. they left in the morning before the rain really started.

so we left for the pavillion to get cleaned up and have our breakfast of cookies and donuts.

we had lunch at the hut. the pizza hut.

he's lost in thought.

destroying tentropolis...

avi had the weirdest looking tent, but also the one which everybody secretly wanted to have.

we all look fairly mad.

the CAST of Characters:

"John's threatening me again!"

the only thing funny about nick at 5 am is when he sings "ALL NIGHT all night ALL NIGHT all night EVERY NIGHT everynight!"

"i'm an onion"

"the only useful member of good china"

"i never did finish that soccer goal made of wood"

definately about to tackle that tree.

"i had sex with a miner and all i got was this stupid photo op"

one of the NEWbies of c-2k6.

she definately hung onto that sword all weekend.

if you think she looks sad there, you should see the pic with her and jon ass in the background.

"who brings kahkis camping?!"

oh man, remember when addy ATTACKED everyone around the campfire with a handful of cheetos. oh god, i can still hear the screams muffled by the sound of cheetos mashed up against faces.

the camping 2k6 crew... see you later idiots.

dangerously inquisitive, remarkably unconcerned

2006-04-28T12:36:00.000-07:00

So like most fridays at the office, I have a chance to peruse through the morning headlines when i saw a relatively boring headline describing about Iran's president having one of his rare press conferences to the public. for some reason i clicked on it, maybe under the assumption that it really said the King of Jordan- in which case i would click on that headline in the hope to see his gorgeous wife, Queen Rania.

But alas, it was Iran. Anyways, heres the photo that accompanied the dull news story:

if you look closely, you may ask yourself-- WHAT THE CRAP is GOING ON in IRAN?!

No really?? What is going on in this picture?! Cause i'm pretty damn sure this was ACTUALLY how the press conference looked... You'd think the caption to the picture would shed some light as to whats going on:

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad spoke at a rare news briefing with Iranian and foreign reporters in Tehran that was broadcast live with simultaneous translation.

i would've said something along the lines of : Iranian President's attempt to reach the Wizard of Oz's palace thwarted by giant killer doves and a sea of midgets armed with Iranian flags of various sizes (the flags are various sizes, the midgets are pretty much uniform in height).

[on an even more random note, i still dont have my own signature sign off, something i can say at the end of the blog to make me sound sophisticated, slightly pompus, but delightfully humorous. yeah, the only thing i have so far is phrase vaguely reminiscient of a stuttering pig]

thats all,

[WIBBA WAB WAM WOO] nope, thats not gonna work at all

confusion of philosophy yields big wins

2006-04-28T06:54:00.000-07:00

so i'm writing a philosophy paper, but hell if i really know what 'm talking about... while on my search for knowledge:

i actually won a movieticket- take that everybody! so thus to share the wealth, i put a little link on the side...

i wonder which movie i should see- prolly x-men 3 whenever it comes out. and if it sucks, i can curse this stupid blingo.

the post that will no doubt get the shanshu shut down

2006-04-21T08:40:00.000-07:00

quick note before i start the days rant, but i've noticed how my posts are becoming quite polar, it the sense that they either are of some political or new subject, or simply make no damn sense... theres no middle ground anymore. and for that, i blame the readers. yes.

so my co-worker at the office practices Falun Gong, which she describes as mediation and exercises that cleanse the mind and body. The Chinese government describes the Falun Gong as a dangerous religious movement. lemme tell you one thing, I wouldn't believe the chinese government even if they said eating rocks was bad for ur teeth, despite the fact i already know that to be true.

Which brings me to the current events portion, where China's president, Hu, was "heckled" by a protestor during Bush and Hu's meeting in Washington. Apparently my co-worker is friends with her! Cool. The friend of a friend harassed an international leader.

Trying to read the new up on this news, ALL the news sites called this disruption a "HECKLER". isn't that term mainly reserved for Comedians... I mean, it could just be a passive aggressive way of saying Bush and Hu as just funny-men whose only purpose is for the public to laugh at... BUT on EVERY news site. I wonder if Hu got any grief about his government being all-up-after Jack Bauer.

Either way, after a lengthy discussion at work, I feel like I am knee deep in a chinese conspiracy against the falun gong. i cannot divulge the information i know or else i'll disappear quicker than a arab tying his shoelace at an airport. but if u wanna feel like an investigator, look up on google: [china falun gong camps] .
Is it propoganda or an anti-communist movement? frankly, i'd agree with any anti-commi movemet, even if they believe in fairy's and used paperclips as currency.

'To each his own', right-- except for the commis, where 'to each is all that belongs to the united community for the good of the proletariat.'

next weeks post & poll: "where did asad go?" poll options: (a.) ran off to tahiti (b.) abducted by the chinese (c.) lost on campus somewhere

thats all,

sensitive issues, insensitive responses

2006-04-18T12:14:00.000-07:00

alien bill clinton during the 2000 elections...

alien bill clinton: abortions for all!
crowd: boooo!
abc: abortions for none!
crowd: boooo!
abc: abortions for some, tiny american flags for others!
crowd: yaaay!!! (waves tiny american flags)

one sentence movie reviews

2006-04-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

thought i would give my take on some of the more recent hits that i haven't seen...

good night & good luck - the sequel will be a silent film (*)

brokeback mountain - i liked it the first time when it was called city slickers (**)

capote- prolly could have used a wacky sidekick for truman, perhaps daemon wayans(***)

* you see, it was in black in white to get the atmosphere and feel of the 1950's, so why not travel even further back in history to the 1920's.

** what do you mean the guys in city slickers weren't gay? what about Curly? Oh for the love of pete... You mean Curly's Gold was ACTUAL gold? weird.

*** even though i've seen it, i will never admit to it... dammit.

short posts are in style, thats all.

of harmonies & discourses

2006-04-14T06:42:00.000-07:00

usually i like to have some overall theme to the blog post, but today seems like a more disjointed sorta post:

while perusing through msnbc.com, i stumbled upon Tucker Carlson's page (he's the dude who always wears the bow tie, consequentially also the guy that you wanna shove in a locker or something). His page is hilariously idiotic. In one of his posts he tackles the topic of illegal immigrants by saying that americans should illegally enter Mexico, and pretty much "see how they like it." seems to me that you would just have a very messed up cultural exchange program, kindof like that wife-swap show. is sleeping with the new wife part of the show also?

also, you know he has balls when he has headlines such as 'Illegal immigrants flooding New Orleans ' dated two months ago. poor taste tucker, too soon. even i haven't done any katrina jokes.... atleast i hope i haven't?

the post that hit me most was the story of Tucker being outraged that Peacekeepers recently rescued from Baghdad had the audacity to critize the US government once they came back. Insurgents took the hostage about 100 some days.
yeah Tucker, where do those peacekeepers get the nerve to badmouth those people who CREATED the environment for those insurgents in the firstplace. Thats equivalent to the fire department SETTING your house on fire, and then proceeding to charge into the flames to rescue you.

fireman: so, what the hell, aren't u gonna say thanks?!
me: YOU BURNED DOWN my HOUSE!
fireman: yes, yes we did.
me: and?!
fireman: and then we saved you!
fireman2: dude, we totally saved you!
me: i hate u all.

on a completely different last note- nothing more amusing than on the metro to work, sitting between two people reading the washington post and the journal. and me with my x-men comic book. suits and children's reading= an awesome combination. oh cyclops, wolverine's gonna kill you any day now....

thats all,

'i see no changes,' congress kiks it oldschool

2006-03-31T10:44:00.000-08:00

what do I know about politics? not a whole lot, but what i do know is funny, and I know a whole lot about that.

so theres this congresswoman name Cynthia McKinney. apparently shes just an awesome source for hilarity. 1.) She punched a cop in some sort of case of mistaken identity... which then lead to the cop pressing charges. and now they issued a warrant after her. thats pretty hard core for a congress woman.

BUT look at this-- this is the bill she is trying to get passed. and let me tell you. it is by far the greatest bill of all time. everyone should call their representative and tell them to BACK thIS BILL!

Thats right, "Title: To provide for the expeditious disclosure of records relevant to the life and death of Tupac Amaru Shakur."

SHE WANTS answers to the IMPORTANT questions! Forget all this talk about WAR, foreign trade, internation crisies... no, she wants to know What Happened to 2Pac! and she won't stop until she finds em.

just to further clarify also, this bill is ONTOP of the same bill she tried to pass last year... atleast she's persistent. but better watch out Mr Speaker of the house. She might clock you in the face if u mess with her. [damn shes so much more hardcore than hillary!]

on, another note, heres a headline from yesterday's washington post:

Brain Development and Intelligence Linked, Study Says

in related news: Consumption of Alcohol linked to GEttiNG drunk; Possibility of Questionable Hookups connection still uncertain.

thats all,

play the game of soccer brendan

2006-03-31T07:07:00.000-08:00

i finally figured it out. it took 3 and a 1/2 years - and numerous season, to realize why the brinsleys soccer team can't win a game-- except for a few exceptions here and there. then it hit me last night during our 'game'.

we scrimaged last night again the team which had to forfeit bc they didnt have enough people. just for fun we played, and me and jon joined their team to balance it out.

the REASON the brinsley have lost SO many games is pretty simple... its not that we lack skill, which we might; its not that we lack communication, we prolly do; its not that we lack any sense of team coordination, definately true--- the reason is this...

we are such Idiots and Jerks on the field, that it fuels the other teams dedication to beating us! As a team we are such an annoyance towards the game of soccer that other teams are simply under the mindset-- 'Theres no way in hell we can loose to the asses!"

SO-- what can we do to change this?! not a damn thing, and who would want to, because there will come a day when we will win again, and the loosing team will shamefully depart the field saying to themselves "I can't believe we lost to those bunch of imbeciles". as we circle the field for our victory lap trying to tackle eachother...

it'll be sweet, just u wait.

nostalgia hits like a line drive into the balls

2006-03-13T21:20:00.000-08:00

i once knew a girl
we would frequent museums
and expensive restaurants
talk of art, politics
and cultures of the world
and other subjects i had no interest in.

to me she was the greatest of post modern works
no matter how long i would stare
she would still make no sense to me

[po-mo art sux! :p]

dangerously close to home although still completely unnewsworthy

2006-03-10T11:30:00.001-08:00

in other less obvious new: 'Scientists say "SUN VERY HOT", almost equivalent to FIRE'
one scientist quotes 'just think of fire, really, and multiply that by fire as well, and then you might be close to just how hot the sun is. oh and the moon.... thats not a giant cookie in the sky"

the article tries to redeem itself with numbers and statistics, but lets call horses, horses. isn't that how the saying goes. either way, the washington times should be man enough to admit when they are having a slow newsday. I know i fess up when i have a slow news day.

speaking of wonky-ass sayings, "the teapot calling the kettle black." what the hell does that really mean? i understand that its supposed to deal with hipocracy and whatnot. but the subjuct matter needs to be explained to me:
1.) why is the teapot talking to the kettle in the first place?
2.) why doesn't the kettle know its black
3.) if the kettle knows its black, why is the teapot being a lil bitch
4.) my kettle is white-- how does that effect the saying?

switching gears if you would

Seeing the white light-- first sign not enough blood is going into the visual center of the brain

so, you know how they say that in a life threating moment, ur life flashes before your eyes. yeah. they are idiots. i wanna meet the guy who originally said that and punched him in his multi-thought oriented brain.

in what i can and only want to describe as my "too many 400m sprint-induced mini heart pain," and not be to confused with a heart attack, experience last week, i now know what one would think of in a such a situation:

you don't think of anything. you think to yourself, " holy crap, this really hurts! this is the worst way to die, owwie!" and then ur done.

anti-climatic: hell yea.
wonderful montage of all happy experience in life: [explitive deleted]

that pretty much wraps up another post.

oh, also: the dinning hall lady ate my poptart, or atleast a small part of it-- which is still TOO damn much for anybody to have out of MY poptart.

one sentence book reviews...

2006-03-03T09:30:00.000-08:00

...of books i've never read.

Lord of the Rings set: if i wanted to blow my brains out during the movie, then the books suicide central.

daVinci Code: Reminds me of what happened when we saw the Mona Lisa at the Louve-
Me: I don't get it, she distinctly looks like she's smiling...
Older man viewing painting: You see, at different angles, it changes.
Me (goes to different angle): Nope, still smiling.
Man: Move over to this angle, how about now?
Me: Now she's really smiling!
Man: ok, fine, nevermind.
Me: Maybe if i tilt my head this way.
Man: No, stop that, that won't do anything.
Me: I think she's giving me the finger now!!*

Life of Pi: Tiger + Snake + Boy + Small Boat = hilarity.

Beyond Good and Evil: Dissappointing read compared to the videogame.

Dante's Inferno: Hell is bad and the devil is a sucker for ironic torments for eternity.

The Fountainhead: read the phonebook, it will take u less time.

*items in italics MAY or may not have occurred

The Fuck Europe Tour 2k6.... part II

2006-03-01T10:48:00.000-08:00

----------Act VI- planes, trains and automobiles---------
...f*k life jackets

next morning, we took every type of transportation minus steam ship to get into barcelona.

planes trains and automobiles

the airport we left from was like a freaking mall.

so we passed the time playin at the ol casino and eating lots of food.

on the airplane, me and nick kept busy with cards and music

addy and dano enjoyed the champaign on the plane...
which led them to take life jackets...
which led to the airport security stopping us once we landed...
which led to us being in the country for 5 minutes and already we're criminals

empty streets in a strange city

at first glance, this place was really pretty

went down by the freezing cold docks

apparently, something exciting happened to the left

after a while of being outside at midnight, we realized that this part of town was really sketchy, as judging by the number of people selling either beer or drugs, or the transexual hooker, or the dude who hit on nick...

strange town, this barcelona

and of course, the room-
which was smaller than our four person room, yet housed 8 this time.

cabin fever ensued,
there were no survivors

yesterday's headlines = today's punchlines

2006-02-24T14:03:00.000-08:00

so, usually it takes me a while to come up with something funny or interesting to comment on in the news. .. thats not really the case this week. its almost a comical overload. if you dont believe me, check out cnn.com soon.
heres what we got on the front pages:

1. some sort of beaver that has been alive since the dinosaurs - yea, im sure that those damn animals had what it took to a.) stay alive while battling for survival with the dinosaurs, and b.) able to withstand the horrible ice age. HAVE U EVER seen a beaver! You hit it with a twig, and the damn thing is out cold.

2. the saudis have control of some ports. i'm not too clear on that, being that im not really trying to READ the news, im only skiming it... anyways, we have arabs controling the habors. yea....
this won't become problematic anytime soon. im imagining a boston tea party situation gone terribly wrong....

3. nwalin's (new orleans) is having a tough time with it mardi gras this year. umm... u know when ur throwing a party, and your house explodes-- normally you cancel your party. not this city. "what we lack in relief funds, we make up for with booze, boobs, and beads!"well done, your the original party dog- spud mckenzie! or for the modern update: slurm mckenzi, the original party worm

alright, the rest of the headline are equally entertaining, check em out.

Whimmy Wham Wham Wozzle!

the shanshu blog hits 1000: disappearance of asad reminiscent of dave chappelle

2006-02-19T22:05:00.000-08:00

so it would appear that the blog has gotten some visitors over the last couple months. the fame hasnt gone to my head yet... unless you count the fact that this s.o.b. is FAMOUS now! WHAT! 1000 hits! This overnight success is gonna take me to the TOP! see all you little people in the gutter!

so remember when dave chappelle disappeared for a while when he was supposed to be making the third season of chappelle show? well, everyone was talking about it. so apparently he's back now, which no one is really talking about... except for james lipton.

inside the actors studio is where chappelle tells about his dissappearance... it seems that the pressure from Comedy Center, the fame, the money, the public that was too willing to use the N-word (he's talking to you, idiot college kids), and the whole hollywood mentality that he just couldn't live with anymore, thusly, we went to africa to find refuge.

damn.

for everyone who has said "im rick james bitch" or some other quote, understand this:

you make dave chappelle want to seek hiding in africa.

the point i think we should take away from dave is this: quit being hollywoods bitch. and yea, that does apply to you. but asad, i'm not hollywood, i dont have to change, right? wrong.

dead wrong.

well, this blog isn't turning out to be the 1000 celebration it was intended to be... but oh well. the pressures of hollywood have become to much, i need to find refuge in pakistan. maybe when i come back i'll have my own conversation with james lipton.

just a preview of that...
my favorite sound: [pit-chew] (aka, the sound of a strange laser)
least favorite sound: other peoples voices
favorite word: all-you-can-eat
least favorite word: behooves (because nothing behooves me to do anything)

no seriously, read comics, they would be more educational

2006-02-17T08:18:00.000-08:00

i took a quick glance at a cosmo magazine the other day-- before laughing, i was intrigued bc hillary duff was on the cover, so its ok. its cool.

my question is: do women actually think what they read is true? they got tons of list, top 10 ways to please ur man, 20 things to make him melt, 50 ways to know what he's thinking when your thinking that he's not thinking... but you know he is.

wtf

why dont they have guys writing in these magazines. because then instead of it being 200 pages long, it would only be 10. 3 pages of text, and 6 of nekked people, and lets throw in some more nekked people mixed with text on the last page.

3 ways please your man, because thats all of them:
1.) sleep with him
2.) make him cookies/cake
3.) watch a jackie chan movie with him and not complain that he is not a real actor. HE IS a real actor dammit, he's an american icon.

and while we're on the topic of stupid stuff:

since when did jeans with the knees torn become popular. lately i've been seeing girls wearing fancy jeans with holes in them.

I wear jeans torn to all hell, oil, strawberry-jam stains, and what may or may not be the smell of tangerines imbedded into the fabric, and I am FORCED to get new pants by both friends and family. nothing like a 16 year-old girl at oldnavy telling you that the pants you want is "no longer in style."

if you were born in the 1920s, you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want

2006-02-17T07:28:00.000-08:00

so, on those rare moments when i feel i need to indugle in national affairs, i stop off at cnn.com to see whats happenin. this headline caught my eye, and i had to read it:

Comptroller unapologetic after ogling aide

Willaim Donald Schaefer, the comptroller is 84 years old, and the story goes that he's at a state house meeting, and a young aid brings him a cup of coffee. As she walks over, Schaefer turns his focus away from the witness he was talking you and proceeds to stare at the girl. After she leaves the room, Schaefer calls her back--- and tell her to "WALK AWAY AGAIN".

When asked about the incident he said "this little girl" ought to be "happy that I observed her going out the door."

"The one who is offended is me," he told the reporters.

Now THATS an awesome Old man. Apparently, wacky antics is what this guy is known for-- he's also the guy who wanted a national list of everyone with AIDS. I only hope that i can be half the crazy-loon this guy is when I get that old. Hell, he was born in the 1920's, who is gonna tell this guy what to do! He's like the living version of a modern history text-- most probably he was in ww2! at least he should have been....

"She's a pretty little girl," the 84-year-old Democrat told reporters. "The day I don't look at pretty women is the day I die."

this quote brings up a few point:
1.) when your 84, wouldnt you avoid phrases such as "...is the day i die." I mean, couldnt that day be, like, tomorrow, or next week. just seems like he's setting himself up for bad kharma
2.) Schaefer proves that even crazy old, horney men still have a valuable place in the statehouse. and if he wants to oogle women, who's gonna stop him. He witnessed 3 out of the 4 main wars of the last century. Are you gonna tell him he cant have himself a lil bit of eye candy.

thankyou Schaefer for keeping it real.

say anything....else

2006-02-13T22:06:00.000-08:00

a very special plea for cupid

2006-02-13T15:14:00.000-08:00

a very special interview with cupid

2006-02-12T00:22:00.000-08:00

2 class periods and several cups of tea later

2006-02-07T20:23:00.000-08:00

this blog just got freaking awesome.... '-er'

expect thrilling new cliff-hangers and conclusion... and ninja, definately more ninjas.

Conversations with Live Animals

2006-02-03T09:33:00.000-08:00

asad: well, Puxsutony Phil, its a pleasure to finally meet you.

groundhog Phil: chip chip (appears amuzed)

asad: haha, very true- but seriously, you should prolly go to the doctor before that gets out of hand.
so i hear you saw your shadow the other day?

phil: chip chipo chip, chip?

asad: um, i think some of the readers might be offended by that.

phil: chip chip!

asad: easy phil, no need to get defensive, thats your job!

phil: chip chip chippy chip!

asad: no i dont know what its like living in a tree stump, but there no need to bring race into this.
lets just change the subject.... i loved you in groundhog day the movie.

phil: chipo.

asad: thats a little harsh, don't you think? Bill Murray is a great actor.

phil: chipa chipa chip!

asad: ok ok, lets talk another step back. woah.

ok, well is there a mrs. phil out there?

phil: chip chipachip chiiiiiiaaaap! (appears to be pelvic thrusting)

asad: no one talks about her like that!! (dive tackles groundhog and throws punches, phil bites back, frantic tussle ensues)

a slight daydream

2006-02-03T09:01:00.000-08:00

[in philosophy class, discussing god and morality]

prof:... and we will be discussing the paradoxical nature that exists between ethics and....

(girl besides me pulls out fancy laptop)
me: (whispers) hey... have u played the new Quake?
girl: (confused) what?
me: (still whispering) the new quake game, have you played it?
girl: no, i've never heard of that
me: oh... weird
girl: what was that?
me: nothing... hasnt heard of quake, yeah right...
girl: whatever.

prof: what about the difference in attitudes towards ethics amongst different cultures?

me: (whispers) do you have any games on that? oo, like a two player game- load something up!
girl: no, i dont play videogames, especially during class.
me: well thats stupid-- why even bring a laptop to class...
girl: alright, listen- i gotta focus on class, so stop talking to me about videogames!

prof: ok heather, do you have a theory as to the discrepancies?
girl: umm... i'm not sure actually
prof: ok, well maybe if you keep the chatter down, you'd be able to contribute.
me: (whispers) dude, he pwned you.
girl: (angrily turns her head towards me and proceeds with a 5 second death stare)
me: you know, when i get mad, i just play some quake to calm down.

Another modest proposal

2006-01-31T17:19:00.000-08:00

It has been brought forth that we have a problem within our university grounds. this issue revolves around the excess queues in our dining establishments and the overcrowding of our recreation/ athletic facilities. In an effort to combat such grievances, our resolution must be all encompassing, yet swift.

First, in addressing the long lines in the dining halls, it will be necessary to institute the “booby prize” style of food servings. To ensure timely turn-overs in the eateries, all meals for any individual will be no longer dictated by free-will, but rather by use of the “Mystery Wheel,” in which meal-goers spin the giant wheel and will be presented with whatever the wheel has predestined them for. In justification of using this wheel, one can simply state that since god made man and man’s ability to reason, thus being able to decide his/her choice of meal—it can be equally said of the Mystery Wheel—it too was made by god, and thusly, will yield the same outcome as man’s ability to rationally reason. Also, 1/3 of the wheel will yield “No meal for the day.”

At such facilities as the CRC, there are about 200 to 300 patrons within its walls at any given moment. The result is basic: overcrowding. This issue will be resolved in the most appropriate method possible. The issue at the center of overcrowding is the appeal of the facilities itself. To rectify this, we must simply make the CRC less appealing. With the sponsorship of the Washington Zoo, the CRC will unleash several wild animals into the building. With the increased danger and peril of life, the problem of overcrowding will soon take care of itself. Imagine a weight room with only three individuals using the equipment, and five others defend themselves in a corner while fighting for their lives against a ill-tempered mountain lion, perhaps even a puma. Long wait at the basketball courts—no longer an issue with the wild boars crashing about the courts. Too many slow people getting in your way on the track, maybe a couple jaguars will make them run a little fast--- but watch out, the track is still a circle, so you don’t want to run too fast. And finally, who wouldn’t enjoy less people at the sneakers café smoothie place—well, when its overrun with monkeys, that’s just what you’ll get. Come for the smoothie, run away crying and being pelted with bananas!

And thusly, this is my modest proposal.

The Fuck Europe Tour 2k6.... part I

2006-01-22T20:25:00.000-08:00

so here's the plot: four guys on a vacation to europe.

as far as our planning skills go, we were trying to fly into London via US air. Flying standby, we nearly boarded a plan to amsterdam and "use our cunning" to find a way to London once over there. Luckily, we got on the plane, and didnt have to deal with determining-- "whats the shortest and cheapest way from amsterdam to london"

just about to board the airplane, which one, we weren't sure

-----------Act II- Where the Sun Don't Shine----------
....f*k cold showers

throughout the trip, we kept notes of what we did each day. unfortunately, i thought we should name each day. thusly, we never came to a consensus as to what each day would be titled. in brackets we have nicks suggestions and in paranthesis, we kept addys. but just cause i can, i dont think i'll share nicks ideas... they all revolve around butts...

we made it to london, and rode some fancy train more extravagent than our airplane into victoria station

once we got to our hostel, we are greeted by creepy writing on the wall...

and then nick and addy had the brilliant idea of taking a two hour nap at 2 in the afternoon.... 5 hours later we woke up and met our new roommate...

the irishman, owen, may or may not have ever existed. we could have made him up, as no one else around would make contact with him, although he would split up with us and come back three hours later with some wacky story about a drunk fighting navy man and some english lowlives or some dames

this place was called waxy oconners, or i called it for the trip... shanty mcgintys

So this is piccadilly, pretty much like time square, but less obnoxious

oh yeah, the night ended when nick smashed his lamp and glass fell into addys bed... i think their was dancing after that.

-----------Act III- Did somebody break a window--------
f*k museums

that morning somebody working for the hostel comes running it: just checking to see if you broke your window... prolly cause of nick breaking his lamp last night and the ensuing screaming and laughing

this would be the natural history museum, thought we would get cultured

then switched over to the science museum

never have a learned so little from a museum

but the pretty wall of lights was fairly entertaining

and the information booth provided interesting photo ops

addy and nick--portrait of hitmen

and this is my ipod commercial

you'd be very suprized how hard those phones are to work

still in the picadilly area, we look around the neighborhood

and apparently this nation really likes ice age 2
later that night we found a casino: the royal nugget, and became official members. actually, nick found it somehow. it was all fun and games till i lost money.
addy: i got the fever
asad: i hope ur happy nick, addys got the fever!

at 4.30am we decided to rename the tag line for the day to f*k owen, because of his damn snoring that kept us all up... despite all of us yelling at him to "shut his goddamn mouth"

-----------Act IV- Big Ben, 5 oclock--------

us at coventry gardens

with im as our tour guide during his brief three hour layover before he went to italy with abby

for the rest of the day we decided to be tourists at Leister Square

maybe we shouldnt have posed with the horses butt facing us

we enjoyed climbing onto their monuments

the trafalgar lion

being that theirs only three of us at this point in the trip, its quite difficult for the group shots

unless u photoshop them together

and just a shot of the entire area

while walking we stumbled onto this really large field, and then a place called white hall.

and then out of nowhere, big ben popped up.

and pictures ensued

keep in mind, this goddamn place next to the thames river is freezing

and then somehow we wandered into westminster abby, without payin the cathedral cover

and like all outings in london, we ended up at a tea place

and then we looked sketchy as we made our way through some park...

-----------Act V- Confusion is an art---------
fk contemporary art

and now our first full english breakfast-- me with a giant pot of tea, and the boys with actual food

god, we are such tourists

we found a pirate ship... not sure how or why.... but we did
and yes that is a deers head on the front of the ship

and then in the middle we finally met up with dano, and we to the other side of town... we were having the hardest time finding the damn riverside.... how is that even possible, the river in freakin huge

half the statues in this city make no sense

and then something exciting happened on the right

thats the globe theatre behind...

me and dano are far more awesome in pictures

welcome to the tate modern art museum, where what you call misc crap-tastic- we call art-tastic!

holy crap we're lost in a maze of white cubes

we had to change rooms cause of the addition of dano into the group... luckily this room didnt have heat-- but it did have a hole in the window!

-----------Act VI- Poorly coordinated scabs--------
fk consciousness

because of the extreme cold in the room-- we hibernated for 14 hours that night, when we woke up... it was 4 oclock pm... and it was night again

so dano had seen a mysterous egg shaped building on an aerial map of london. with that as our guide, we set off...

we came to sommerset courtyard, where there was an icerink

and we laughed as the people fell down... seriously, we spent too long doing that.

continuing on...

"so the river is on our right, so we just have to keep going.... straight"

i think hour three of the journey, we came to st james cathedral... the white dots in the picture, thats freezing rain

"take my picture, i'll look like a giant infront of this tiny door"

and somehow we came upon the tower of london.

behold... hour four....

the egg shaped building.... is simply a freaking office building.
the highlight of the evening came when dano got the casino fever and decided to loose his money is an unprecendentedly awful two hand run at blackjack. why is this funny? bc i told him not to play.

anyways, so long picadilly. we left the next morning to barcelona

Great ideas turned horribly wrong

2005-12-30T06:38:00.000-08:00

Scientists have experimented with teaching monkeys Kung-Fu, thus furthering humanity into the 'Planet of the Apes' Era.

Klee-Kloe was the first monkey to learn the martial arts.

however, his reign as kung-fu monkey master was short lived after his first fight against a human--

where he was killed instantly upon a round house kick to the face via the man with nike shoes.

lessons to be learned: You can teach a monkey kung-fu, but you can't teach them to block fatal kicks to the face.

I combine a real headline with a random picture: hilarity ensues

2005-12-29T09:51:00.000-08:00

Man apparently pulled into wood chipper dies

you figure once your in a woodchipper, your best option would be to die

runner-up headlines include:

Student sues after mistaken condom bust

Turkey-oil plant closed due to foul odors

WP: Penguin search takes ominous turn

Conversations with Dead People

2005-12-28T11:20:00.000-08:00

asad: alright mr. Einstein, thank you for meeting with me today. may i call you albi?

einstein: no.

asad: why not, it sounds a lot better than stodgey 'ALBERT RODRIGUEZ EINSTEIN the Fifth'

einstein: thats not really my full name.

asad: ok, i'm sorry i brought it up. is this a sore subject for you?

einstein: yeah, as a schoolboy, the children would tease me and call me albi.... i hated it.

asad: ...

einstein: ...

asad: you wanna talk about it?

einstein: don't we have an interview to do?

asad: ok, so moving right along-- relativity? whats that all about anyway?

einstein: oh man, i stayed up all night writing that one up!

asad: huh? you mean you came up with the entire concept in one night?

einstein: i had to make the presentation in the morning and the clock was really winding down, so i wrote some stuff about time and space, and i think blackholes were in there somewhere. I'm lucky i scored some caffine pills from the prussian kid next door...

asad: so wait, this brilliant concept of space and time was just a project you did the night before it was due?!

einstein: ... come to think of it, those werent really caffine pills after all. caffine isn't supposed to make you trip out like that. aw man, that was some good stuff...

asad: wha- what are you talking bout?

einstein: .... and the walls were flowing like water, you could see that they were going to a better place, but the beats just kept them in check. all like [boom] [boom] [proceeds to beatbox 'big poppa' by biggie smalls]

asad: your supposed to a genius! instead your just some drug-tripping looney.

einstein: a looney with a large stash and lots of cash! [raises hand for high five]

asad: ok, thats it. we're done here. thanks for coming, but this interview is over. [asad leaves]

einstein: [slowly lowers hand].... [continues beatbox 'big poppa']

Precursor to F**k Europe Tour 2k6

2005-12-27T10:35:00.000-08:00

i thought now would be a good time to introduce the characters that will be embarking on next weeks adventures. keep in mind, as well as i know my friends, i will prolly just be making all this info up... because... in reality.... i dont really... i dont remember stuff about them too well

adnan "the addy" sheikh
most likely alias: the prince of persia
fear while overseas: asad's jealously over addy's kick-ass alias
probable cause of overseas incarceration: insisting to a large gathering of policemen that [quote]Scotland Yard 'aint got shit on Me! [end quote] after failing to get a laugh from the crowd after a barrage of dead baby jokes

daniel "the dano" gemp
most likely alias: redbeard the pirate
fear while overseas: meeting actual pirates who thusly confront the validity of dan's piracy
probable cause of overseas incarceration: breaking into royal palace, but is strangely welcomed with open arms by the royal family. only after Dan insists that prince Charles invest in a ill-named snow-cone stand outside the palace is he thrown into the royal dungeon.

nick "in need of a nickname" czabaranek
most likely alias: Peter Sellers as Insp. Jacques Clouseau from the Pink Panther
fear while overseas: that european girls just dont get his "let's get nerdy" t-shirt
probable cause of overseas incarceration: attempting to kill his fellow travelers when "someone forgot where they put the suitcase full of bree"

imran "the zesty" shaukat
most likely alias: Bassanio from Merchant of Venice
fear while overseas: loosing the numerous bets we plan to make where the outcome would result in imm having to get a haircut
probable cause of overseas incarceration: defending the honor of robbie williams against an angry pub in an apparent misunderstanding to the question "Wats up yea nikkers, chap?"

asad "which way to the looting" akhtar
most likely alias: Balki Bartokomous from Perfect Strangers
fear while overseas: running out of tea/ in a country that has crappy tea
probable cause of overseas incarceration: after an outburst an a local "coffee shop" in amsterdam where asad proclaimed - "WHo the hell ruins a perfectly good brownie by putting weed in it, DAMN this country!" at which point he jumped into the nearest river and swam 3 miles before being caught by tuna nets.

kicking xanga's and facebook's perverbial ass with each new post

2005-12-27T10:13:00.000-08:00

well, its winter break now. and if theres a new post on this blog, it must mean one thing-- i'm at work. i get money, you get a blog.

a quick recap on finals: is it bad that people only become really religious on campus when impending doom is near? if I was Mote, I'd put priests, rabbis, imams, and other holy people running around campus in lil go karts with podiums on the back saying quick prayers to everyone on their way to exams.
1.) it would be hilarious to see holymen wheeling around in 40mph go carts
2.) i guess thats a violation of the whole separation of church and state dealy

had i actually had some final exams, im sure i would've started praying a whole lot during that week also and been in some need for holymen in go karts.

oh, and btw... the lessons i've learned at work today:
1.) packing 6 tangerines in a plastic bag does not constitute 'bringing lunch' into work
2.) if someone told you " hey, 6 tangerines will fill you up. no need to pack anything else in ur lunch," they would in-fact be lying
3.) halloween candybars can and will go stale 2 months down the line

winning hearts and bribing minds

2005-11-26T09:49:00.000-08:00

so everyone has their own way to gauge how their day will turn out. well, atleast i think its common for people to do that. either way is, i do that, and if others dont, there is something seriously wrong with them-- not me.

so my gauge is the little display on the hot water machine at the dining hall-- i look at it whenever i make my tea. its usually near 200 degrees, if not exactly on it.the range is 198 to 202 degrees. if its not 200, its usually a bad sign. the greater the variation, the more likely it is i will run back to my room and baracade myself in there until i send someone else downstairs to read the gauge again.

this mornings reading: 175 degrees--- translation: "piano falling on your head" threat at code: Super HOT PINK

i made my tea and got the hell to cover and stayed there for the better part of the day.
i got some courage and went down to check the gauge again

this evenings reading: 85 degrees--- translation: "spontaneous combustion" threat at code: EXPLODE!

its not safe out there anymore. so be sure to check out my revised security system for Mental Stability.

the general state of ohio

2005-11-25T09:18:00.000-08:00

first off, happy turkey day. the fact that its almost winter makes me confused and beligerent. but that will prolly be another rant all together.

why the ohio newspaper sucks: this was their headline on the front page- "Shoppers hit stores during Thanksgiving Weekend."

..... aren't shoppers the only people who would hit the stores during anytime. i mean, the only other group would be robbers, but thats obvious.... and also a separate article all together. don't worry, the lack of adequate reporting is made up for by an abundance of snow.

in national news....
This man is my hero. Apparently this guy in Reno stole $200,000 worth in legos. being both a slight thief and a major lego fan, even I do not see the purpose of the stealing so many legos! does it start off as a guy stealing a few small boxes of legos at a time, then just looses track until his house is filled with them? OR is it more like ocean's 11, where this guy who really loves legos assembles a crack team to pull of the heist, and everyone gets a cut. like a casino job gone horribly wrong.

either way, the world is desparately needing better heists. implement 'the great xbox360 caper of christmas 2k5' or the less popular 'the poorly thought out nintendo64 heist of thanksgiving 2k5'

cheers.

thanksgiving with the extend family equals asad needs to brush up on todays politics

2005-11-18T09:44:00.000-08:00

i have no political humor.

thusly, changing this post's title to :

--Japanese superiority clashes with Japanese tendacies to loose robots in outerspace--

New game, Sudoku, or something japanese that roughly translates into "how to keep an idiot busy, flip over" is sweeping everyone. in dc you got people with whole books on em and everyone on campus doing em. i'll admit, its a fun game, but its just one of those things that the japanese think they can control us with.

they failed their first attempt: those robotic dogs.

but moving on to those robots lost in outer space,
JAXA- the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency announced the robot it sent to a nearby astroid circling the sun has been lost. Scientists say it was a miscalculation in the tragetory. I say they cant fess up to the fact that it was a bad idea combining the Robotic Dog and the Sudoku game in an attempt to say to the world- Hey Look, our dog can fly into outerspace AND solve these silly puzzles quicker than anyone!

panda warfare: least threatening war possible

2005-11-18T09:06:00.000-08:00

have you ever spent an hour watching a panda sleeping? with no shame, i admit i have, thanks to the Panda Cam. i wish he'd do something else besides sleep. someone toss in a chimp in there and lets see what happens.

another prophecy yielded accurate

2005-11-12T11:24:00.000-08:00

i told you jerks that robots would take over campus before we graduated, but nooooo, everyone just laughed. whos laughing now, huh? Carnegie Mellon's not laughing anymore!

luckily, there is only man that can stop these robots....

Timmy the UK monkey!

expect the next decade of ur life to look like this:

local bear gains political savy:

2005-11-11T09:42:00.000-08:00

mocks former dictator with devastating accuracy

how asad are you

2005-11-06T21:49:00.000-08:00

a quiz if you will to determine how asad are you:

1.) your in class and some kid is being a jerk. do you:
a.) tell him to shut the hell up
b.) try to ignore him
c.) throw cherios at his head until he thinks he's going crazy

2.) the biggest travesty occured when:
a.) bills lost every superbowl ever
b.) alf never made it back to melmac
c.) Giant decided to stock only krispee kreme donuts instead of making them fresh inhouse

3.) things that have one time or another held up your pants include:
a.) regular belt
b.) string belt made from multicolored yarn
c.) bungie-chords from a friend
d.) all of the above

4.) while walking alone, late at nite on campus, your mentality is:
a.) try not to get mugged
b.) stay away from sketchy looking people
c.) look as sketchy as possible and start having an argument with yourself
d.) no ones gonna mug you if you mug someone else first
e.) both c & d

5.) Bad life decisions include:
a.) going drink for drink using ten cans of hawaiian punch
b.) trying to see how fast you can use the very large paper cutter
c.) continuing to drive home when you are 90 % sure your breaks stopped working 5 minutes ago
d.) all of the above

6.) Your attitude towards cats can be best described as:
a.) those guys are cute
b.) smartest animal on the face of the earth
c.) the only thing keeping me from dive tackling that cat is the memory of how funny garfield used to be. but now its not funny anymore, what happened there? and i didnt see the movie, but i guess it had Jennifer Love Hewitt, so maybe garfields on the comeback.

7.) Things you used to say, but no longer can after meeting someone with the specified ailment:
a.) "...maybe its a tumor"
b.) "...maybe its diabetes (pronounced die-a-beat-us)"
c.) "...maybe its cancer"
d.) all of the above

8.) Dissappointing life lessons learnt the hard way:
a.) there is only a small segment of the population that actually enjoys Jackie Chan movies as much as I do
b.) being 'conductive' in terms of electricity is NOT a good thing
c.) an attack dog does not have the capacity to understand the pyschology involved in a game of 'chicken'
d.) all of the above

9.) Exciting life lessons learnt the hard way:
a.) Thumbs do grow back
b.) spray paint to the eyes does not lead to permanent damage
c.) walk around with a cane for a week, you get lots of free stuff
d.) all of the above

10.) i wanted to have an even number of questions, but i ran out of steam... if was pressed to make a question, it'd have to be along the lines of breakfast cereal mascots versus justices of the supreme court... witty yet politically insightful. ah yes, it would be a hell of question indeed

so score yourself out of 9 (or 10 if u somehow found an actual question in number 10), the answers should be fairly obvious [all answers are the last choice], and that percentage will tell u...

How Asad Are You?

and yes, i'm mighty full of myself these days, but its ok-- if i'm aware of it, its not a bad thing anymore.

spooktober

2005-10-21T06:56:00.000-07:00

life being a tv, its about time for the halloween special. the one where things go pretty normal until something really off the wall happens-- like crazy puppets come to life or some sort of zombie invasion-- but, its a sitcom see, so everything works out fine in the end, or if it doesnt, it doesnt matter, its a halloween special, it doesnt need to make sense with the rest of the season. bottom line, do what u want on halloween, cause there will be no consequences to the rest of ur life and everything will be back to normal the next episode-- also, there will never be a reference to the events that occured on halloween. the thanksgiving day special, thats a whole different ballgame....

as far as actual halloween is concerned, my costume will be whatever will allow me to draw strange markings all over my body with a sharpie. after the ink poisoning settles, it will be clear sailing.

concerning spooktoberfest, the highly anticipated sequel to last years rocktoberfest, and whether it will happen or not? like most decisions we make, it will probably last minute and decided over a cup of tea.

get ur scary outfits ready, no stupid costumes allowed.
advice for the girls: a costume is not an everyday person or thing combined with the prefix 'sexy.' i mean, u can dress slutty if you want, u just cant call it a costume. now being a zombie, that takes some gaul!
advice for the guys: stop dressing up like girls. its weird and makes everyone sad. and stop putting beer boxes on ur head-- it was cool the first time someone did that in the 60's, when they first started making cardboard boxes (?) after that it has been annoying and fairly detrimental to society in general. not that recycling is a better solution...

more acceptable halloween costumes include:
-the loveable storm trooper
-alf
-bill cosby

thats all

pugsatony phil has no say in this

2005-10-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

bc a birthday is too important a day to be left up to chance, i say that everyone has the right to change their bday at some point in their life. that day is today, well, it was yesterday actually- so yesterday was the day. for you, it will probably be a different day.

summer has been a good time for my previous bdays, but now to spice it up, i say it will be 5 months earlier and now February 24th. so long snow cones and hello snow balls.

keep in mind that no change of age will come with this bday, only snow and presents...

and now a quick list of top worst presents:

-tire iron

-a regular iron

-Sleuth vhs
despite what the cast of characters may lead u to believe, its really just two guys on screen for 2.5 hrs

-the even less popular sleuth board game-- which also involves only two players and still lasts 2.5 hrs

-and lastly, but just as equally important, wicker furniture-- which is usually remedied by use of the tire iron.

i'm not a doctor but i play one in real life

2005-10-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

so my medical philosophy is pretty simple and revolves around water. when anything goes wrong with ur body, its can be cured by drinking more water. flaws in this logic, maybe a few. holes in reasoning, i don't know, i'm not a doctor. all i know is that when ur feeling sick, what are you gonna do-- say no to more water. thats right, u just gotta go with it. and bam, ur on ur way to recovery.

but right now im at work, starting to sneeze a lot. got that feeling of impending sickness-- WHICH i whole-heartedily am blaming on my floor which has the combined immune system of a 80 yr old hobo. so in response to me feeling slightly sluggish, I have been drinking excessive water.

and by excessive, i mean ridiculous amounts. i have a pretty standard size water bottle next to me. i've already had to refill it 5 times, and its only noon. i don't feel so good.... and i think the water is to blame. its the same feeling u get when someone punches u in the stomach but they never removed their fist. damn my lack of a proper medical degree.

in the event i do get sick, heres my plan:

wait till the people who are sick now get better.

slowly fester my germs so i get incredibly contagious

and then respread the germs back around.

it'll be brilliant.

The Search for Bah: The Legend Continues

2005-09-15T10:36:00.000-07:00

Part II: Magnum P.I. didn't have to deal with this stuff

Continuing with the Saga-- I reveal that Mr. Bah is infact alive and well. Apparently my dad is able to funny understand and converse with the same fiend who tried to mislead me and subvert Bah's leadership as Master Barber. Anywhos, according to my dad, they say he's still cutting hair in a place in Jessup.

Put on my investigating shoes and boarded a plane....

Today was the first day I began my search. Basically i looked online for all haircut places in a good radius in and around the jessup area. suprisingly not too many numbers, but still, it takes a while to get through them. So far my investigation has not been going to well...

man(asian accent): Young's Barbershop, how can I help you?
me: Did you hire a barber recently by the name of Bah?
man: You must come in in person.
me: What? Is Bah there?
man: Come in for Interview, then we'll talk.
me: umm, I think you got the wrong idea.
man(slight change in accent): You barber or not?
me: NO, im not a barber, I'm looking for Bah?
man (now sounds like an angry black man): No Bah!
me: I think i'm gonna ask you one more time just to make sure we are clear-- do you have a barber named Bah working there?
man: ...
me: ...
man: no (hangs up)

my first call... i hope the other ones go better.

Perhaps a new ongoing series

2005-09-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

Why College Park is Stupid

1.) explain why there needs to be a cannon fired off after every touchdown. if we were the Maryland ShipWrecks or something piratey i would understand, but no, we are terps. get your own weapon testudo, and leave the artillery for real mascots.

thats all i have for now....

if that damn thing wakes me up again, better believe i'll post more ill-will towards it!

The Search for Bah: The Legend Continues

2005-09-09T06:55:00.000-07:00

Part I: A slight miscommunication

For those who are unaquainted with him, Mr. Bah has been my barber for the past eight years. He's a fine man who worked at the Master Barber in columbia. No, he didnt just work there... he WAS the Master Barber. He is THE guy. He's been there through first homecoming's and last graduations, through first dates and just those days where i want to look awesome.

In august of this year, Bah went missing.

Not really missing, but i didnt know where he was. So he basically went away. When pressed-- the others at Master Barber gave me the ol run-around... there was foul play about, i just couldnt sift through it quick enough.

THey said he was dead... or atleast thats what I intrepreted them saying-- its difficult having a stranger cut your hair and interrogate him as to the whereabout of ones former barber at the same time. Also, the language barrier was problematic-- as i am not well versed in the Vietnamese variate of english that this would-be barber was using.

I believe him to be dead. i'll spare you the transcript of the broken conversation, but believe me, this guy played his part well-- i had caved and let him cut my hair, believing that the man i knew and trusted was no longer with us.

he lied.

well, he didnt lie because he never really said- 'HEY kid, Bah's dead! Now Lemme Give You a Haircut!'

either way, they thought they could take over the realm of master barber-- they were wrong.

Long after the thrill of camping has died

2005-08-10T06:11:00.000-07:00

Finally got all those camping pictures put up. Took me two weeks... but all hundred or so are up:
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/rodimus9291/album?.dir=61d0&.src=ph&store=&prodid=&.done=http%3a//pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/rodimus9291/my_photos

Also i found pictures from Bens Bday dinner that i just forgot to put up... because ben does not deserve pictures to be put up in a timely matter.
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/rodimus9291/album?.dir=b21c&.src=ph&store=&prodid=&.done=http%3a//pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/rodimus9291/my_photos

To camper2k5

2005-08-03T10:09:00.000-07:00

Still not done posting up the pictures from Camping yet, but i'll put them in a zip format when we get back to school so that you can get the good quality instead of the tiny photos.

perhaps a picture of Fozzy the Bear will tide you over until such a time.

Campin 2k5 Memorable Quotes

2005-07-25T07:16:00.000-07:00

Asad: Scooter wake-up call?
John & Addy: Hit it!
Put on my raving shoes
& boarded a plane
Touchdown in the land where skies are blue
in the middle of the poaring rain

Nick & Addy : GIGANTIC... GIGANTIC...GIGANTIC... A big big Love

Dan: We went spelunking!

Jon: I'm gonna be honest, I'm drunk.
John: He admits it!
Jon: Yes, but thats my decision to make. Mine and God's... and partly Kim's.

Pallavi: Somebody deflated my air matress!
Asad: Stop looking at me!

Nick: Somebody throw a potato at me. (Gets hit in the back with a potato) Who threw a potato at me!!

Maureen: I'm calling out John & Asad for buying hotdogs & hamburgers without considering what I wanted!
John & Asad: But they were on SALE!

Deirdre: Play me a song I know.
Asad: Dre, I don't have the guitar anymore.
Deirdre: No, play me a song I know!
Asad: Who are you talking to?! (Deirdre pouty face) Thats it, I'm gonna go shoot something.

Nick: That sing-a-long turned gay real fast.

Addy: When I say 'When i bust my gat' you say 'Muthafukas take dirt naps!'

Jon: I would like to call out Ashleigh, Nick, and Maura for being the LEAST PREPARED campers ever!

(Right before we plunged over the waterfalls)
Ben: Time to go over!
Asad: But I thought we had a plan?!
Ben: This IS the plan!
Asad: THIS is the PLAN!?

Kim: JON! Nick's hitting me with Asad's hat!
Jon: Nick, you know better than that. Hit her with your own hat.

John: Somebody unspiked my gatoraid!

Ben: Ok, now does anyone know a WHOLE song?

Maura: and then he stopped at pointed, 'Hey look, a real live hippy!'

Jon: Now I didn't want to mention this earlier, but one of the chicken's looked like it had some sort of growth, but now that everyone's eaten, I thought I'd tell you.

Kim with a wooden steak: Look, I'm Buffy the vampire slayer!
Asad: Please don't ever do that.

(while investigating the strange light in the distance)
Ben: If I see anything move I'm gonna just start swinging.
Dan: Ben's-on-point.

Nick: Can I see your cosmo magazine?
Pallavi: Only if you don't burn it.
Nick: Ok. (Takes out machete)
Pallavi: HEY!
Nick: What? You said not to burn it.

(while in the fast current)
Asad: GIVE ME your HAND!
John: No, its ok, I'm fine.
Asad: GRAB ONTO my HAND!
John: No, really, i'm good, see, I'm standing up now.
Asad: Well that wasn't epic at all.

Ben: My bagels taste like teriaki hamburgers.

(Ashleigh shows us how to make taffy)
Nick: Is it going to taste like salt-water taffy?
Ben: Of course not nick, its going to taste like marshmellow taffy!

John: That rock owes me a dinner.

(on the drive home)
Asad: How come we haven't caught up with dre & mg yet?
John: Dunno, they prolly got lost.
Asad: Yea... I hope they got lost.
Maureen: You guys are awful.

John: This stick was made for poking, and thats just what it'll do, one day this stick will come and poke all over you.
Asad: stop that!

Ben: Harry Potter doesn't have as many funny words as you would expect. Where are all the muggles?

Dan: Damn terrorist cans.

Asad: Quick, I need jelly, a knife, and 5 inches of string-- wait, i forgot what i was trying to do here.

mauras donations (which are severly lacking in the accuracy department):

: We're camping hardcore!
Addy: This isn't camping, this is drinking in tents--( more like in-tents drinking right????)
Jon: This is what they do in Abercrombie & Fitch ads.

Ashleigh: So I've thought of a new name for us. Instead of the goonies we are now... the FOREST FEMMES.
Nick: Ha. Right. How about the underwater uteruses?
Ashleigh & Maura: That would be UTERI!
Nick: Okay, fine, you're the underwater uteri.

------------
(Everytime the ranger truck passes by)
Group Chorus: Ranger Joe, Ranger Joe: He's the funniest guy I know, Ranger Joe.

pallavis donations:

Addy: I'd like to call Nick, Jon, Ben, Ashleigh, Pallavi, Dan and Kim into the circle for the heinous.... unforgivable act of ...... SITTING TO MY LEFT!!!!

Maura: I'd like to call Kim into the circle for driving us all crazy by saying "I miss Jon, I love Jon" every five minutes

Pallavi: I'm calling Deirdre into the circle for saying she drinks, but never really does.
Deirdre: I drink!
Pallavi: Kill your beer.
Deirdre: I don't have one.
Pallavi: Case in point!

(Pallavi about to jump off the tree)
Little Kid: Just don't look down, and HURRY UP!

Jon: When we're rich we can come back here with our RVs and do things high class.
Ben: RVs? That doesn't sound like fun.
Jon: Have you seen my RV? It has satellite TV.

--------

nicks donations:

Addy: In my last job, I would take afternoon naps in the handicap stall in the bathroom-- I called it my handi-nap.

Ashleigh: You suck at guitar, play something good!
Nick: Here's a good song
(music)
Nick: Ashleigh is a bitch,
shut your f*n face
I'll kick you in your butt,
and make you eat my pee!
Addy: Ya! Keep going!
(music)
Nick: Adnan is a bitch...

-----------

John: We're bouncing!

addys donations:

Jon: I like girls that wear Abercrombie & Fitch!
group chorus: chinese food makes me sick...

(singing to no woman no cry)
Asad: Ashleigh might think she messed up my chi
But little does she know, I'm pepped up on my tea

-----------

thinking too much of how you don't think enough

2005-07-07T08:05:00.000-07:00

Willie : Well, ALF, while we're gone I trust you won't be getting into any mischeif.
ALF : You do?
Willie : Not really, but we gotta go.

Willie : You can't vote ALF , you're not a citizen.
ALF : I'll apply for a green card.
Willie : That's only if you want a job.
ALF :Pass ... I know, I'll marry Lynn. Become a citizen. Vote, then drop her of like a hot potato.
Willie : ALF ...ALF : Sure it will be hard on her first. She'll cry, drink a little too much. Joins with a bongoplayer named Waquine.
Willie : ALF!
ALF : You'd like Waquine, he doesn't like beets.
Willie : Neither you or Waquine may marry my daughter and you may not vote!
ALF : Fine! I have not voice in government, Waquine will get deported and they'll make him eat beets!!
Willie : How many cups of coffee have you had?
ALF : Forty. Why?

http://www.angelfire.com/hi3/pearly/humor/alf.html

hey stampede, how bout a poem

1991-07-02T03:00:00.000-07:00

Looking out the window of your room
Main street, under a bleak gray afternoon sky
The light on your face is soft and dim in the lace curtains
And the streets are empty
In the distance, there is a flash
Clouds fill the sky like giant wooden ships on a blackened evergreen sea capped with foam.

day one of your brand new life

1990-06-30T01:11:00.000-07:00

if i cant have winter in the city, atleast its always cloudy in dc

i worry about pick pockets on the metro.
not so much because im scared that someone would actually do it, just because i feel so compelled to do it myself, it would be so easy.