Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Another modest proposal

It has been brought forth that we have a problem within our university grounds. this issue revolves around the excess queues in our dining establishments and the overcrowding of our recreation/ athletic facilities. In an effort to combat such grievances, our resolution must be all encompassing, yet swift.

First, in addressing the long lines in the dining halls, it will be necessary to institute the “booby prize” style of food servings. To ensure timely turn-overs in the eateries, all meals for any individual will be no longer dictated by free-will, but rather by use of the “Mystery Wheel,” in which meal-goers spin the giant wheel and will be presented with whatever the wheel has predestined them for. In justification of using this wheel, one can simply state that since god made man and man’s ability to reason, thus being able to decide his/her choice of meal—it can be equally said of the Mystery Wheel—it too was made by god, and thusly, will yield the same outcome as man’s ability to rationally reason. Also, 1/3 of the wheel will yield “No meal for the day.”

At such facilities as the CRC, there are about 200 to 300 patrons within its walls at any given moment. The result is basic: overcrowding. This issue will be resolved in the most appropriate method possible. The issue at the center of overcrowding is the appeal of the facilities itself. To rectify this, we must simply make the CRC less appealing. With the sponsorship of the Washington Zoo, the CRC will unleash several wild animals into the building. With the increased danger and peril of life, the problem of overcrowding will soon take care of itself. Imagine a weight room with only three individuals using the equipment, and five others defend themselves in a corner while fighting for their lives against a ill-tempered mountain lion, perhaps even a puma. Long wait at the basketball courts—no longer an issue with the wild boars crashing about the courts. Too many slow people getting in your way on the track, maybe a couple jaguars will make them run a little fast--- but watch out, the track is still a circle, so you don’t want to run too fast. And finally, who wouldn’t enjoy less people at the sneakers café smoothie place—well, when its overrun with monkeys, that’s just what you’ll get. Come for the smoothie, run away crying and being pelted with bananas!

And thusly, this is my modest proposal.


At 6:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

umm...yeah, that's very...something you would say. hence why you are not the president. -neha


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