Thursday, March 29, 2007

the show you miss will inevitably be the show that has a ghost

Owen was having a show at the rock n roll hotel in DC the other week. I made the unfortunate decision of not going because of the ridiculous distance of the club to the metro. simple enough, no biggie.

DAMN wrong! THE rock n roll hotel is HAUNTED. The ONE time I say no to going to show and baM! the venue is haunted. just my kindof luck. "good music & creepy aparitions, all part of the rock n roll hotel experience"

lesson to be learnt: never not go to show... cause otherwise, the place will be haunted... that and bill cosby has made some terrible big screen decisions in his day.

stupid unhaunted 930 club and ramshead live....

conversations with blasphemers

me: so good of you to join us today, i'm sure you're very-- i'm not gonna say busy-- but i'm sure directing movie can be quite time consuming.

michael bay: no problem, i always enjoy an opportunity to promote my films. maybe you've seen some of them - armageddon, badboys, badboys II: the bad boys are back in town.

me: yes, about that. transformers, your newest film...

bay: oh yeah, this was a real challenge for the studio. you probably didnt realize this, but we could afford to build ACTUAL transforming robots, so we had to put them in afterwards!

me: yes, thankyou. i am well aware that mechanical transforming robots do not really exist. but the look of the robots themselves, thats where i get a little bit confused... have u or any of your team ever SEEN the transformers cartoon?

bay: Someone made a cartoon based on our movie?? damn that was quick, and we havent received the royalty from that yet!

me: no no, the Transformers - it was a cartoon in the 1980's - a very popular cartoon.

bay: there were transforming robots fighting on earth in the 80's and no one TOLD US! and then they MADE a cartoon about it!!

me: ok, judging from your reaction, you dont know what the hell i'm talking about anymore...

bay (now on his phone) : james, you'll never believe this, but there actually ARE TRANSFORMERS -- apparently they can draw too cause they made their own cartoon in the 80's-- Hell ya we gotta find em and get em on the studio! --- I don't know, check Japan or something, see if downtown Tokyo has had any serious robot based damage...

me:ok, well seeing how this interview is decending into crap -- my last question:

who the hell do you think you are putting flames on optimus prime!?!

bay: well, optimus prime is cool and all. but... you know how everything looks cooler with flames... i figured, why not the two. optimus prime with flames on him! it actually came to me in a dream! pretty wild huh.

me: WERE you tripped out of your GORDE when you came up with this? did you think: how badly can I f* with childhood idols? oh, i know -- paint FLAMES on the f*er!

bay: listen, a lot of people have said that, but the polls show it: kids love stuff thats on fire. bot on and off the screen. its hollywood magic baby! just u wait. no one wants to see cars from the 80s running around on screen. its the hip hop generation! our other alternatives for optimus were to have him be J-Lo's dressing room trailor, a nissan skyline from the fast and the furious, or, my personal favorite, an Escalade driven by 50 Cent -- they would solve crimes together! like in a buddy film. Optimus would be all like: 'i think that idea is whack, 50'....

me: okay... i'm gonna say this the best way possible, knowing in full well it will lead to my incarceration but... [dramatic pause, light dims]

i'm going to find a large sack.
put u in said sack.
fill the sack with water.
place pirranas into said water & michael bay filled sack.
and once the pirranas have settled down, i will stab the said pirrana, water, and michael bay filled sack, several times.
and then said stabbed, pirrana, water and michael bay filled sack will be thrown into the bay. i know the irony is childish at best, but hey, this sack is gonna be a lot of work on its own.

bay: maybe you'll enjoy armageddon 2: return to space mountain, huh?

Monday, March 19, 2007

Great Walter Reeds Ghost!

Alright, I'll be honest. Posts are few and far between. Why? Is it because my life is less comical than it used to be? [probably not] Is it because the little i know about politics isn't funny? [hardly]
COULD it be that i have stopped putting poptarts in the office toaster and thus igniting a localized fire which is only exacerbated by my futile attempt to reach into said blazing inferno of melting metal simply to savour the charred remains of my poptart breakfast??? [not so much, despite my best attempts]

turning to current events, today, or someday close to this one, marks the four anniversary of the war in Iraq, or as people more inteligent than I refer to it, the Four Year Clusterf*k of Mistakes and Generally screwy policy. Yup, just like the four years you spent in rehab just to find out you cant "take the weekends off," this ones got no end in sight. but hell, FREEDOM aint FREE, am i right guy?

The headlines at MSNBC asks the tough question, the hard hitting questions, the questions that have been asked REPEATEDLY over and over again to the point where it should be every americans duty to memorize the ingredients that go into the receipe for disaster:
1 part faulty inteligence+ teaspoon over-confidence+ and a hint of political circle-jerkn.

MSNBCs coverage includes a poll that says that less than 20% of Iraqis have confidence in Coalition forces. 20% of iraqis are also hooked on so much 3rd party prozac that they are confident that Coalition forces will not only succeed in stabilizing the area, but also defend the world of the monsters that live on the moon.

in times like this, there are plenty of ways to feel better about the war in iraq:
-Maybe Coalition forces are having fun over there
-Iraqi confidence poll numbers are still greater than Ishtars rating on rotten tomatos.
Personally, i think Ishtar is a friggin hilarious movie! I mean, you have Warren Beatty& Dustin Hoffman as lounge singers, who go over into Saudi Arabia or something, the cia and the kings men are after then for SOME reason. ITS GOLD! and that camel on the poster, he's blind - no joke either - blind!
- ok, maybe plenty isnt the right word. but seriously, if you havent already done so... check out ishtar on netflix or something... it will be enjoyable, trust me.

thats all,

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

the elixir of late nights and coffee dreams

its alright
to fall asleep on the metro,
be slighty tired at work,
or call someone by the wrong name

its not alright
to be so fast asleep on the metro that you have a dream and twitch yourself awake, other passengers looking confused in ur direction.

its not alright
to be so tired at work that you use your monitor as a head rest, but the static of the screen makes your hair turn ridiculously don king-esque

its really not alright
to continually
and habitually,
and incessantly
call a friend by the wrong name, such that so much time passes, where the only option you are left with, is to simply avoid saying their name, at all costs.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

the half-life for any relationship is 3.5 months

here are some valentine's day gift that she'll just love. oh wait, scratch the word gifts and replace it with 'horrific ideas'. and replace love with 'hate you with a fiery passion'

- ipod mini - engraved with the saying "i hope this hot music can warm up your frigid heart"
- storm trooper outfit - because you think its kinky
- the first season of bosom buddies - because you mistook it for an erotic thriller
- can't go wrong with jewelry, right?
- maybe something simple, something with her name on it--- like a football! but, beware the consequences.
- but, if all else fails, you can resort to something classic, elegant, and has withstood the test of time.

goodluck on vday, you'll be needing it.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

dark metaphors / bright manners

the morning news is like gold- sweet, filtered for public-approval & sensational gold.

not to sound repetitive but... wtf is going on in texas! "Octopus unhurt" -THANK GOD! That octopus was one day from retirement. The penguins on the other.... two weeks left... they would have never made it.

the worst part of the story- NO F*n picture!! come'on- this image would be AWESOME!

Biased Journalism - I've Missed You

So onto the middle east, lets just see how each country is portraying the war between Israel & Lebanon. On the side of Lebanese, we have ISRAEL ON BABY-KILLING SPREE on the main page of the 'Kuwait Times'. Well done- not only are they killing babies-- ITS A SPREE. Like a shopping spree- except with more baby killings. WO00! Thats hard to beat in terms of Biased Journalism.

But lets see what the headlines are for Israel Today - Jerusalem police bar planned gay protest . Umm, what? This is the top of the page article on their website... did they forget what the hell is going on with all the rockets - and the guns - with the SHOOTINGS, GlaviN! Well, lets see - its gotta be big news right bc its at the top right.

Lets see-
"The Jerusalem police banned a planned gay protest, which was to take place in Jerusalem on Thursday out of concern it could result in violent clashes." And u know how much those countries in the middle east HATE violent clashes- don't want em & don't need em....

I should leave the topic as it is, bc - like me with a nail gun on my robitussin trips- its dangerous.

thats all

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

conversations which institutions of higher learning

me: thanks for meeting with me.

University of Maryland: um, i thought it best. you just kept calling.

me: why won't you return my phone calls!

UMD: listen, its over- you're done with me and i'm done with you.

me: how can you say that?! remember all the good times.. remember...the.. um.. the memories?!

UMD: Yeah, we had some good times, but I think its best that we both move on. we're no good for eachother.

me: Baby, is it me? I can change! I'll take you more seriously. We'll go out to the opera more. Just you and me, it'll be different!

UMD: look, its just too little too late. i'm sorry, i didn't want to have to tell you this, but i have a new incoming class of students...

me: YOU'RE sorry, YOU'RE SORRY!! what about me?! You know how much money I spent on YOU! That tuition hike you pulled, what the hell was that! and now I hear you're parading around with some one else!!

UMD: I never asked for any favors! And its not 'JUST' someone else, its approximately 6,000 incoming students.

me: B*tch, you took all my money! And don't think i'm giving back all your shirts- you hear me- they're mine now!

UMD: thats fine, I just want you to be happy.

[UMD slowly gets up & walks out the door]

me: oh baby, i didn't mean what I said! take me back please!!

(wonder years narrator): i don't know if it was the fact that she never looked back when she left the room, or that i thought she would at any moment that hurt more. it was one of those days that both UMD & I would always remember... we were no longer kids hanging over the beltway. i wonder if she will think of me when she gets ready for class, and doesn't smell my poptarts in the toaster or see my cup of tea sitting on her bedstand table.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

The words are all there, unfortunately in wrong order

oh, wait, this just in, the correct headline "Iraq president beat up by security"

damn, and just when you think things are getting better over there.

and also:

Which you should file under O. Isn't MSNBC partly run by Microsoft... aren't they supposed to... um.... not talk about the stupid stuff MS does...

and one last one:

and i respond: "isnt it about f*kn time?!!" although i am confused as to how they will go about this.

"alright red-man, here's ur continent back. we're going back to europe. sorry for the whole raping your women and killing you mercilessly back in the day. and also portraying your people as savages for the past decade... that one just got out of hand really fast."