Thursday, March 29, 2007

conversations with blasphemers

me: so good of you to join us today, i'm sure you're very-- i'm not gonna say busy-- but i'm sure directing movie can be quite time consuming.

michael bay: no problem, i always enjoy an opportunity to promote my films. maybe you've seen some of them - armageddon, badboys, badboys II: the bad boys are back in town.

me: yes, about that. transformers, your newest film...

bay: oh yeah, this was a real challenge for the studio. you probably didnt realize this, but we could afford to build ACTUAL transforming robots, so we had to put them in afterwards!

me: yes, thankyou. i am well aware that mechanical transforming robots do not really exist. but the look of the robots themselves, thats where i get a little bit confused... have u or any of your team ever SEEN the transformers cartoon?

bay: Someone made a cartoon based on our movie?? damn that was quick, and we havent received the royalty from that yet!

me: no no, the Transformers - it was a cartoon in the 1980's - a very popular cartoon.

bay: there were transforming robots fighting on earth in the 80's and no one TOLD US! and then they MADE a cartoon about it!!

me: ok, judging from your reaction, you dont know what the hell i'm talking about anymore...

bay (now on his phone) : james, you'll never believe this, but there actually ARE TRANSFORMERS -- apparently they can draw too cause they made their own cartoon in the 80's-- Hell ya we gotta find em and get em on the studio! --- I don't know, check Japan or something, see if downtown Tokyo has had any serious robot based damage...

me:ok, well seeing how this interview is decending into crap -- my last question:

who the hell do you think you are putting flames on optimus prime!?!

bay: well, optimus prime is cool and all. but... you know how everything looks cooler with flames... i figured, why not the two. optimus prime with flames on him! it actually came to me in a dream! pretty wild huh.

me: WERE you tripped out of your GORDE when you came up with this? did you think: how badly can I f* with childhood idols? oh, i know -- paint FLAMES on the f*er!

bay: listen, a lot of people have said that, but the polls show it: kids love stuff thats on fire. bot on and off the screen. its hollywood magic baby! just u wait. no one wants to see cars from the 80s running around on screen. its the hip hop generation! our other alternatives for optimus were to have him be J-Lo's dressing room trailor, a nissan skyline from the fast and the furious, or, my personal favorite, an Escalade driven by 50 Cent -- they would solve crimes together! like in a buddy film. Optimus would be all like: 'i think that idea is whack, 50'....

me: okay... i'm gonna say this the best way possible, knowing in full well it will lead to my incarceration but... [dramatic pause, light dims]

i'm going to find a large sack.
put u in said sack.
fill the sack with water.
place pirranas into said water & michael bay filled sack.
and once the pirranas have settled down, i will stab the said pirrana, water, and michael bay filled sack, several times.
and then said stabbed, pirrana, water and michael bay filled sack will be thrown into the bay. i know the irony is childish at best, but hey, this sack is gonna be a lot of work on its own.

bay: maybe you'll enjoy armageddon 2: return to space mountain, huh?


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