yesterday's headlines = today's punchlines

so, usually it takes me a while to come up with something funny or interesting to comment on in the news. .. thats not really the case this week. its almost a comical overload. if you dont believe me, check out cnn.com soon.
heres what we got on the front pages:

1. some sort of beaver that has been alive since the dinosaurs - yea, im sure that those damn animals had what it took to a.) stay alive while battling for survival with the dinosaurs, and b.) able to withstand the horrible ice age. HAVE U EVER seen a beaver! You hit it with a twig, and the damn thing is out cold.

2. the saudis have control of some ports. i'm not too clear on that, being that im not really trying to READ the news, im only skiming it... anyways, we have arabs controling the habors. yea....
this won't become problematic anytime soon. im imagining a boston tea party situation gone terribly wrong....

3. nwalin's (new orleans) is having a tough time with it mardi gras this year. umm... u know when ur throwing a party, and your house explodes-- normally you cancel your party. not this city. "what we lack in relief funds, we make up for with booze, boobs, and beads!"well done, your the original party dog- spud mckenzie! or for the modern update: slurm mckenzi, the original party worm

alright, the rest of the headline are equally entertaining, check em out.

Whimmy Wham Wham Wozzle!

the shanshu blog hits 1000: disappearance of asad reminiscent of dave chappelle

so it would appear that the blog has gotten some visitors over the last couple months. the fame hasnt gone to my head yet... unless you count the fact that this s.o.b. is FAMOUS now! WHAT! 1000 hits! This overnight success is gonna take me to the TOP! see all you little people in the gutter!

so remember when dave chappelle disappeared for a while when he was supposed to be making the third season of chappelle show? well, everyone was talking about it. so apparently he's back now, which no one is really talking about... except for james lipton.

inside the actors studio is where chappelle tells about his dissappearance... it seems that the pressure from Comedy Center, the fame, the money, the public that was too willing to use the N-word (he's talking to you, idiot college kids), and the whole hollywood mentality that he just couldn't live with anymore, thusly, we went to africa to find refuge.

damn.

for everyone who has said "im rick james bitch" or some other quote, understand this:

you make dave chappelle want to seek hiding in africa.

the point i think we should take away from dave is this: quit being hollywoods bitch. and yea, that does apply to you. but asad, i'm not hollywood, i dont have to change, right? wrong.

dead wrong.

well, this blog isn't turning out to be the 1000 celebration it was intended to be... but oh well. the pressures of hollywood have become to much, i need to find refuge in pakistan. maybe when i come back i'll have my own conversation with james lipton.

just a preview of that...
my favorite sound: [pit-chew] (aka, the sound of a strange laser)
least favorite sound: other peoples voices
favorite word: all-you-can-eat
least favorite word: behooves (because nothing behooves me to do anything)

no seriously, read comics, they would be more educational

i took a quick glance at a cosmo magazine the other day-- before laughing, i was intrigued bc hillary duff was on the cover, so its ok. its cool.

my question is: do women actually think what they read is true? they got tons of list, top 10 ways to please ur man, 20 things to make him melt, 50 ways to know what he's thinking when your thinking that he's not thinking... but you know he is.

wtf

why dont they have guys writing in these magazines. because then instead of it being 200 pages long, it would only be 10. 3 pages of text, and 6 of nekked people, and lets throw in some more nekked people mixed with text on the last page.

3 ways please your man, because thats all of them:
1.) sleep with him
2.) make him cookies/cake
3.) watch a jackie chan movie with him and not complain that he is not a real actor. HE IS a real actor dammit, he's an american icon.


and while we're on the topic of stupid stuff:

since when did jeans with the knees torn become popular. lately i've been seeing girls wearing fancy jeans with holes in them.

I wear jeans torn to all hell, oil, strawberry-jam stains, and what may or may not be the smell of tangerines imbedded into the fabric, and I am FORCED to get new pants by both friends and family. nothing like a 16 year-old girl at oldnavy telling you that the pants you want is "no longer in style."

if you were born in the 1920s, you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want

so, on those rare moments when i feel i need to indugle in national affairs, i stop off at cnn.com to see whats happenin. this headline caught my eye, and i had to read it:

Comptroller unapologetic after ogling aide

Willaim Donald Schaefer, the comptroller is 84 years old, and the story goes that he's at a state house meeting, and a young aid brings him a cup of coffee. As she walks over, Schaefer turns his focus away from the witness he was talking you and proceeds to stare at the girl. After she leaves the room, Schaefer calls her back--- and tell her to "WALK AWAY AGAIN".

When asked about the incident he said "this little girl" ought to be "happy that I observed her going out the door."

"The one who is offended is me," he told the reporters.

Now THATS an awesome Old man. Apparently, wacky antics is what this guy is known for-- he's also the guy who wanted a national list of everyone with AIDS. I only hope that i can be half the crazy-loon this guy is when I get that old. Hell, he was born in the 1920's, who is gonna tell this guy what to do! He's like the living version of a modern history text-- most probably he was in ww2! at least he should have been....

"She's a pretty little girl," the 84-year-old Democrat told reporters. "The day I don't look at pretty women is the day I die."

this quote brings up a few point:
1.) when your 84, wouldnt you avoid phrases such as "...is the day i die." I mean, couldnt that day be, like, tomorrow, or next week. just seems like he's setting himself up for bad kharma
2.) Schaefer proves that even crazy old, horney men still have a valuable place in the statehouse. and if he wants to oogle women, who's gonna stop him. He witnessed 3 out of the 4 main wars of the last century. Are you gonna tell him he cant have himself a lil bit of eye candy.

thankyou Schaefer for keeping it real.

say anything....else

a very special plea for cupid

a very special interview with cupid

2 class periods and several cups of tea later

this blog just got freaking awesome.... '-er'

expect thrilling new cliff-hangers and conclusion... and ninja, definately more ninjas.

Conversations with Live Animals

asad: well, Puxsutony Phil, its a pleasure to finally meet you.

groundhog Phil: chip chip (appears amuzed)

asad: haha, very true- but seriously, you should prolly go to the doctor before that gets out of hand.
so i hear you saw your shadow the other day?

phil: chip chipo chip, chip?

asad: um, i think some of the readers might be offended by that.

phil: chip chip!

asad: easy phil, no need to get defensive, thats your job!

phil: chip chip chippy chip!

asad: no i dont know what its like living in a tree stump, but there no need to bring race into this.
lets just change the subject.... i loved you in groundhog day the movie.

phil: chipo.

asad: thats a little harsh, don't you think? Bill Murray is a great actor.

phil: chipa chipa chip!

asad: ok ok, lets talk another step back. woah.

ok, well is there a mrs. phil out there?

phil: chip chipachip chiiiiiiaaaap! (appears to be pelvic thrusting)

asad: no one talks about her like that!! (dive tackles groundhog and throws punches, phil bites back, frantic tussle ensues)

a slight daydream

[in philosophy class, discussing god and morality]

prof:... and we will be discussing the paradoxical nature that exists between ethics and....

(girl besides me pulls out fancy laptop)
me: (whispers) hey... have u played the new Quake?
girl: (confused) what?
me: (still whispering) the new quake game, have you played it?
girl: no, i've never heard of that
me: oh... weird
girl: what was that?
me: nothing... hasnt heard of quake, yeah right...
girl: whatever.

prof: what about the difference in attitudes towards ethics amongst different cultures?

me: (whispers) do you have any games on that? oo, like a two player game- load something up!
girl: no, i dont play videogames, especially during class.
me: well thats stupid-- why even bring a laptop to class...
girl: alright, listen- i gotta focus on class, so stop talking to me about videogames!

prof: ok heather, do you have a theory as to the discrepancies?
girl: umm... i'm not sure actually
prof: ok, well maybe if you keep the chatter down, you'd be able to contribute.
me: (whispers) dude, he pwned you.
girl: (angrily turns her head towards me and proceeds with a 5 second death stare)
me: you know, when i get mad, i just play some quake to calm down.