Wednesday, August 09, 2006

dark metaphors / bright manners

the morning news is like gold- sweet, filtered for public-approval & sensational gold.

not to sound repetitive but... wtf is going on in texas! "Octopus unhurt" -THANK GOD! That octopus was one day from retirement. The penguins on the other.... two weeks left... they would have never made it.

the worst part of the story- NO F*n picture!! come'on- this image would be AWESOME!

Biased Journalism - I've Missed You

So onto the middle east, lets just see how each country is portraying the war between Israel & Lebanon. On the side of Lebanese, we have ISRAEL ON BABY-KILLING SPREE on the main page of the 'Kuwait Times'. Well done- not only are they killing babies-- ITS A SPREE. Like a shopping spree- except with more baby killings. WO00! Thats hard to beat in terms of Biased Journalism.

But lets see what the headlines are for Israel Today - Jerusalem police bar planned gay protest . Umm, what? This is the top of the page article on their website... did they forget what the hell is going on with all the rockets - and the guns - with the SHOOTINGS, GlaviN! Well, lets see - its gotta be big news right bc its at the top right.

Lets see-
"The Jerusalem police banned a planned gay protest, which was to take place in Jerusalem on Thursday out of concern it could result in violent clashes." And u know how much those countries in the middle east HATE violent clashes- don't want em & don't need em....

I should leave the topic as it is, bc - like me with a nail gun on my robitussin trips- its dangerous.

thats all

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

conversations which institutions of higher learning

me: thanks for meeting with me.

University of Maryland: um, i thought it best. you just kept calling.

me: why won't you return my phone calls!

UMD: listen, its over- you're done with me and i'm done with you.

me: how can you say that?! remember all the good times.. remember...the.. um.. the memories?!

UMD: Yeah, we had some good times, but I think its best that we both move on. we're no good for eachother.

me: Baby, is it me? I can change! I'll take you more seriously. We'll go out to the opera more. Just you and me, it'll be different!

UMD: look, its just too little too late. i'm sorry, i didn't want to have to tell you this, but i have a new incoming class of students...

me: YOU'RE sorry, YOU'RE SORRY!! what about me?! You know how much money I spent on YOU! That tuition hike you pulled, what the hell was that! and now I hear you're parading around with some one else!!

UMD: I never asked for any favors! And its not 'JUST' someone else, its approximately 6,000 incoming students.

me: B*tch, you took all my money! And don't think i'm giving back all your shirts- you hear me- they're mine now!

UMD: thats fine, I just want you to be happy.

[UMD slowly gets up & walks out the door]

me: oh baby, i didn't mean what I said! take me back please!!

(wonder years narrator): i don't know if it was the fact that she never looked back when she left the room, or that i thought she would at any moment that hurt more. it was one of those days that both UMD & I would always remember... we were no longer kids hanging over the beltway. i wonder if she will think of me when she gets ready for class, and doesn't smell my poptarts in the toaster or see my cup of tea sitting on her bedstand table.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

The words are all there, unfortunately in wrong order

oh, wait, this just in, the correct headline "Iraq president beat up by security"

damn, and just when you think things are getting better over there.

and also:

Which you should file under O. Isn't MSNBC partly run by Microsoft... aren't they supposed to... um.... not talk about the stupid stuff MS does...

and one last one:

and i respond: "isnt it about f*kn time?!!" although i am confused as to how they will go about this.

"alright red-man, here's ur continent back. we're going back to europe. sorry for the whole raping your women and killing you mercilessly back in the day. and also portraying your people as savages for the past decade... that one just got out of hand really fast."

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

don't blame the heat, blame the fact that you don't shut ur big yapper

well, here's some more antics from the hill... bc I dont know, its funny cause this stuff is happening just down the street... Senators are 'mad as hell and their not gonna take it anymore' bc their private elevator is being used by non-senators-- so this is what the NEW YORK TIMES writes about once the senate takes it summer break or whatever they call it 'Recess.' I don't have much to say about the issue because of the jokes i would have made are in the article. Damn actual reporting using humor as a technical device.

I will say one thing-- all the pictures in the article have a whole bunch of people crowding into the 'senator's only' elevator-- ON THE SECOND FLOOR-- maybe those people who are too old too remember how to decent "these blocks of diminishing height called stairs" and incidently are the same people who are at one of the most integral positions of the government, maybe they SHOULD.... ummm... i forgot how i was going to phrase it-- But my point was gonna be that we need YOUNGER SENATORS!

You know why there are not many EX-SENATORs? Thats bc most of them just DIE either during or after... thats not a real fact, but please, feel free to purport it as such to your peers. and yes, I am hoping that purport means what i think it does.

AND now for the second time In Shanshu history, a segment called:

"Now Why Didnt I Think Of THat Heist First?!! F**K!!!"

you'll recall that last year's was the lego-bandit. But this year's candidate is....

Thin Mints thief? Girl Scout leader charged

or the another headline: Girl Scout leader caught with hand in cookie jar?

Now i didn't bother to really read the article, but all I saw was $5,000 somewhere in there. Hell, I drop 20 bucks to get 6 boxes of thin mints once every year. and then its like Brigadoom, my thin mint girls disappear for the next 12 months.

you know how many boxes you can buy with 5 grand!! damn. wish I had thought of that. well, i could always raid the girl scout's cookie stand next time I see them.

me: um, Hi there!
girl scout: hi mister! would u like to buy some cookies?
me: F*K yeah! how many thin mint boxes do you have?
girl scout: well, how many do you want?
me: listen.... i..i just wanna see how many thin mint boxes you have...
girl scout: uhh, I dont think we're allowed to do that.
me: alright kid, listen... I'm 22 years old, I want all your thin mints, and I'm gonna take all your thin mints! and if anybody asks, your just gonna say that you ate them! so just be cool!
girl scout: MOM!!
me: ah crap! ah crap! well played little one! waaa! (throws boxes into the air and runs off into the distance)

alright, kindof a weak post this time- but it takes a man to admit that, right? RIGHT?!

oh, and a quick message to the city of DC and surrounding areas: IF UR GONNA WARN THE PEOPLE ABOUT BROWN-OUTs because of the excessive heat, BE MAN ENOUGH TO CALL EM full on BLACK OUTS that WILL SCREW ur DAY over! Quit hinding before your aphorisms DC! be a man!!

thats all.