Friday, December 30, 2005

Great ideas turned horribly wrong

Scientists have experimented with teaching monkeys Kung-Fu, thus furthering humanity into the 'Planet of the Apes' Era.

Klee-Kloe was the first monkey to learn the martial arts.

however, his reign as kung-fu monkey master was short lived after his first fight against a human--

where he was killed instantly upon a round house kick to the face via the man with nike shoes.

lessons to be learned: You can teach a monkey kung-fu, but you can't teach them to block fatal kicks to the face.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

I combine a real headline with a random picture: hilarity ensues

Man apparently pulled into wood chipper dies

you figure once your in a woodchipper, your best option would be to die

runner-up headlines include:

Student sues after mistaken condom bust

Turkey-oil plant closed due to foul odors

WP: Penguin search takes ominous turn

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Conversations with Dead People

asad: alright mr. Einstein, thank you for meeting with me today. may i call you albi?

einstein: no.

asad: why not, it sounds a lot better than stodgey 'ALBERT RODRIGUEZ EINSTEIN the Fifth'

einstein: thats not really my full name.

asad: ok, i'm sorry i brought it up. is this a sore subject for you?

einstein: yeah, as a schoolboy, the children would tease me and call me albi.... i hated it.

asad: ...

einstein: ...

asad: you wanna talk about it?

einstein: don't we have an interview to do?

asad: ok, so moving right along-- relativity? whats that all about anyway?

einstein: oh man, i stayed up all night writing that one up!

asad: huh? you mean you came up with the entire concept in one night?

einstein: i had to make the presentation in the morning and the clock was really winding down, so i wrote some stuff about time and space, and i think blackholes were in there somewhere. I'm lucky i scored some caffine pills from the prussian kid next door...

asad: so wait, this brilliant concept of space and time was just a project you did the night before it was due?!

einstein: ... come to think of it, those werent really caffine pills after all. caffine isn't supposed to make you trip out like that. aw man, that was some good stuff...

asad: wha- what are you talking bout?

einstein: .... and the walls were flowing like water, you could see that they were going to a better place, but the beats just kept them in check. all like [boom] [boom] [proceeds to beatbox 'big poppa' by biggie smalls]

asad: your supposed to a genius! instead your just some drug-tripping looney.

einstein: a looney with a large stash and lots of cash! [raises hand for high five]

asad: ok, thats it. we're done here. thanks for coming, but this interview is over. [asad leaves]

einstein: [slowly lowers hand].... [continues beatbox 'big poppa']

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Precursor to F**k Europe Tour 2k6

i thought now would be a good time to introduce the characters that will be embarking on next weeks adventures. keep in mind, as well as i know my friends, i will prolly just be making all this info up... because... in reality.... i dont really... i dont remember stuff about them too well

adnan "the addy" sheikh
most likely alias: the prince of persia
fear while overseas: asad's jealously over addy's kick-ass alias
probable cause of overseas incarceration: insisting to a large gathering of policemen that [quote]Scotland Yard 'aint got shit on Me! [end quote] after failing to get a laugh from the crowd after a barrage of dead baby jokes

daniel "the dano" gemp
most likely alias: redbeard the pirate
fear while overseas: meeting actual pirates who thusly confront the validity of dan's piracy
probable cause of overseas incarceration: breaking into royal palace, but is strangely welcomed with open arms by the royal family. only after Dan insists that prince Charles invest in a ill-named snow-cone stand outside the palace is he thrown into the royal dungeon.

nick "in need of a nickname" czabaranek
most likely alias: Peter Sellers as Insp. Jacques Clouseau from the Pink Panther
fear while overseas: that european girls just dont get his "let's get nerdy" t-shirt
probable cause of overseas incarceration: attempting to kill his fellow travelers when "someone forgot where they put the suitcase full of bree"

imran "the zesty" shaukat
most likely alias: Bassanio from Merchant of Venice
fear while overseas: loosing the numerous bets we plan to make where the outcome would result in imm having to get a haircut
probable cause of overseas incarceration: defending the honor of robbie williams against an angry pub in an apparent misunderstanding to the question "Wats up yea nikkers, chap?"

asad "which way to the looting" akhtar
most likely alias: Balki Bartokomous from Perfect Strangers
fear while overseas: running out of tea/ in a country that has crappy tea
probable cause of overseas incarceration: after an outburst an a local "coffee shop" in amsterdam where asad proclaimed - "WHo the hell ruins a perfectly good brownie by putting weed in it, DAMN this country!" at which point he jumped into the nearest river and swam 3 miles before being caught by tuna nets.

kicking xanga's and facebook's perverbial ass with each new post

well, its winter break now. and if theres a new post on this blog, it must mean one thing-- i'm at work. i get money, you get a blog.

a quick recap on finals: is it bad that people only become really religious on campus when impending doom is near? if I was Mote, I'd put priests, rabbis, imams, and other holy people running around campus in lil go karts with podiums on the back saying quick prayers to everyone on their way to exams.
1.) it would be hilarious to see holymen wheeling around in 40mph go carts
2.) i guess thats a violation of the whole separation of church and state dealy

had i actually had some final exams, im sure i would've started praying a whole lot during that week also and been in some need for holymen in go karts.

oh, and btw... the lessons i've learned at work today:
1.) packing 6 tangerines in a plastic bag does not constitute 'bringing lunch' into work
2.) if someone told you " hey, 6 tangerines will fill you up. no need to pack anything else in ur lunch," they would in-fact be lying
3.) halloween candybars can and will go stale 2 months down the line